Blind Ambition | ✓

41 | At My Worst

By the time school rolled around, regret fueled the sickening pit of dread that churned my stomach like the sea in a storm. I felt like I should have been used to that feeling by now, but it's something you never truly get used to.

I regretted flushing my pills, I regretted inviting Kaia over (technically letting Chris invite Kaia over, but I didn't have it in me to split hairs), I regretted letting my emotions drive me this whole time when I should have been driving my emotions. It was too late now - I'd lost control of a speeding train with no emergency break. I'd have to throw myself in front of it to stop it.

I always thought Spring was meant to symbolize growth and change and rebirth. But it was now May, and the flowers in my life that I'd tried so hard to grow were already wilting and dying.

I felt dizzy as I walked up the steps into school with Chris, and sweat dripped down the back of my neck and into my uniform shirt. I didn't even wear a blazer anymore.

"Maybe you should go to the nurse," Chris said as he reached around my backpack and handed me my water bottle. "You look like death tried to cook you and failed."

"I can't." I slugged down the water so fast, half of it ended up on my chin and down the front of my shirt. "I have a physics test later, and Fonarev docks you points if you miss an exam, even if you retake it, and I have to get an A to keep my GPA clean."

"Apparently that's been the only thing clean about you," Chris grumbled with a grin.

I scoffed in response. I caught Kaia's glance from across the hall, her gaze glazed over with discontent before she scurried into her homeroom class. We'd been dodging each other all week while I waited to confront Principal Maddox about Valedictorian, tension between us dense and crackling, like the air before lightning strikes.

Chris tracked my gaze and put a hand down on my shoulder. "I mean, do you want me to be honest with you or do you want me to lie to make you feel better?"  

I shook myself out of his grip, making a beeline down the crowded hallway to my locker, getting bumped and jostled in a way that . "About what?"

"You know what," he sighed out. "I think you're overreacting."

When I stopped at my locker, it felt like the world came out from under my feet. Stars flashed in the corners of my eyes, and I almost had to fall forward to lean onto my locker to keep myself from collapsing.

"Hey...hey you okay?" Chris put his hand to my shoulder again, but everything was amplified by 1000, his touch like a hammer to my shoulder and his breath too warm and too close.

"Back up," I jerked away from him. "I need some fucking space."

"Okay, okay." Chris took a step back and held his hands up in surrender. "I have to get to class. Unless you need help getting to yours."

Something flared up in me as I wheeled around on my heel to face him. "For fucks sake Christopher, are you going for a Boy Scout's badge or something? I'm not a senile old woman."

It wasn't until after my words had landed that I realized the hallway had fallen silent, and over a dozen pairs of eyes were pinned to Chris and I. When I glanced back at him, his gaze had fallen to his loafers, and a frown tugged his lips downward.

"Fuck," I sighed out. "Chris, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"It's fine." He looked back up at me with a pinched smile. "Really. It's fine."

Nothing about today was fine, and I could feel my grip on fine slipping as I dangled over a sinkhole, my nails dirty and my fingers raw.

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