Chasing Ghosts | Natasha Romanoff

Chapter 45: This Is Me Trying

The house was empty, and so was Katya's head.

She stared at the same empty space on the wall across from her until the next person knocked on the bedroom door. Two down, one to go.

Natasha only found her wife in only one position today; on her side, knees slightly pulled towards her chest, on top of the covers but clutching them tightly with her left hand, her right folded under her pillow. And those distant eyes, staring at the wall in front of her.

She swallowed thickly. "Are you coming downstairs to eat? Or should I bring you something here?" It had neared lunch time and Katya hadn't eaten anything at all today.

"I'm not hungry," she answered without looking her way. Eating was literally the last thing on her mind, right below showering and brushing her teeth.

Natasha walked in and crouched down beside the bed, her head directly in Katya's line of vision. Not that it helped much, she stared straight through her. "I know you're not feeling hungry, but your body needs energy."

"I don't want anything," Katya insisted flatly.

"I can make something light and small? Maybe yoghurt?" She knew she was pressing, but it was important to eat, and to drink. Keeping her body healthy where her mind wasn't.

But Katya did not agree. No, her eyebrows furrowed dangerously, and her sharp eyes finally focused on the face in front of her own.

"I said: I don't fucking want anything!"

"Okay," Natasha spoke in a soothing voice, attempting to calm her down. These mood swings kept surprising her. She couldn't put her finger on when they were to happen.

The annoyance left Katya's body as fast as it came. The outburst sucked all energy out of her. And like a switch, she returned to her zombie state. "My body hurts." So much power her voice held before, so much it lacked now.

"Can I do anything to help?" Natasha offered, but Katya's brain had switched to another topic again. Both her mind and her mood were like a pinball machine. Shooting absolutely everywhere.

"I drove Maya away," she breathed.

Natasha's head shook left and right, determined. "No, you didn't." She was so mad at the bad voices in Katya's head. If she could yell at them to piss off, she would.

"Yes. Yes, I did. She had to leave because of me." It was her fault Maya wasn't able to be in the house, that she required so much attention from Natasha that there was no time for her.

"You didn't make her do anything." Sensing she'd be here a while, Natasha changed positions and sat on her knees instead. "She could have stayed if she wanted, but she wanted to give you some space and peace. That does not mean you drove her away. It means she's considerate and kind and wanted to do something to help you."

Katya pondered over that. Or at least, she was deep in thought. So deep, that Natasha suspected her words hadn't registered. "Do you think she hates me?"

"She does not hate you. I am one hundred percent sure of that."

Katya's eyes focused again. "How?"

"Didn't she call you her hero right before she left? Didn't she say she loves you?"

Uninspired, almost rolling her eyes, Katya exhaled. "She's just saying that. You're just saying things."

"I will never lie to you. Everything I say is the truth." She wanted so badly to take her hand and squeeze it, but every little thing could make her jump or flinch.