I knocked on the door. I had enough of all the ignoring Camila has been doing to me so I went to her dorm to see what's up with her.
The door opened, showing Camila who smiled and leaned in, kissing my lips "hi" she said but i didn't respond nor kiss her back.
"Do you still want me?" I asked, wanting to cut to the chase quickly. She nodded "yeah I do, why are you asking me that?"
"I don't know, you haven't been the same and you're not hanging out with me a lot. I thought maybe you would've felt annoyed because of me-" she pecked my lips shutting me up "I do want you, I've just been hanging out with my friend"
"Do I know that friend?" I wanted to know if she's going to tell me that it's Courtney or if she's going to lie about it.
"No, she's just someone from one of my classes"
"Okay, I just wanted to check on you. Go do whatever you were doing" I said. I turned around wanting to walk away but she held my hand gently, making me turn around to look at her.
"Come inside..we can maybe bond a little don't you think?" She asked pulling me closer to her while biting her lip. After the time I had sex with Ellie, I've felt the need to have sex for some reason, I wanted it with Ellie but I'm mad at her and I don't want to hurt Camila again, even if she's hurting me a little right now from the lies I'm not going to hurt her again.
I smiled and put my hands on her chest, pushing her inside as I connected my lips with her for a rough aggressive kiss.
Camila smiled into the kissed and closed the door, locking it without breaking the kiss. She carried me and took me to her room, placing me on the bed gently.
She was positioned in between my legs, her hand on my thigh as she deepened the kiss.
I flipped us over and straddled her lap, looking down at her as she laid there with her hands on my waist under my shirt while looking at me with her eyes filled with lust.
I took my shirt off and leaned down, placing my lips on hers again. Her phone started ringing but she ignored it at first but then she pushed me back gently "I have to answer it" she said and took her phone from the nightstand, answering while I sat there just waiting for her to finish the phone call.
I knew it was Courtney. Camila was laughing and talking to her like I'm not even there. I got off her and she stood up, putting her shoes back on with her phone up to her ear, still talking to Courtney.
"Wait wait give me a sec" she said to her and looked at me "I have to go but I'll call you later" I nodded, I didn't know what else to do.
She left the room then I heard the front door close. I sighed and put my shirt back on, taking my things and leaving her dorm.
I walked back to my dorm and went straight to my room, laying on bed and looking up at the ceiling.
What's wrong with me? Is there something Courtney has that I don't?
Of course she does. I'm me and she's..her. I knew it, whatever I do and how much I try to show love for someone I will never feel the love I give to others. I put so much effort into wanting to make everyone I care about feel happy and loved but I forget about myself.
Everyone breaks me, I don't say anything about it. I just smile and push it to the back of my head, trying not to deal with it but I get to the point where I just can't take anything anymore.
I feel overwhelmed and drained then suddenly all the thoughts I push away come back and destroy me slowly from the inside.
It's hard to deal with it alone but I don't understand my feelings. I get mad, sad, disappointed...everything all at once. I try to organize my thoughts so I can deal with one thing at a time but I just can't.
I feel like my brain is getting damaged and my body is taking too many pills just for me to try and not fall into a deep hole of sadness and depression that I'm never going to be able to get out of it alone, those pills keep me alive.
I want to be happy. I want to laugh until I can't breathe, I want to smile without having to fake it, I want to look in the mirror and see myself as the person that I love. And most importantly, I want to forgive myself for the things I have done.
I feel like I'm the reason my family falls apart everyday. I feel like I'm the reason my mom is in a bad mental state. I feel like I'm the reason my dad is dead..
Maybe I deserve what I'm going through. No not a maybe, I definitely deserve it. I deserve to be kicked in the ass by life so I would correct the mistakes I've been doing for years.
Don't let anyone talk shit about you but I simply can't because I want people to like me and I don't want to be rude. My parents raised me on being the more mature person in situations like this but I feel like the weak one instead.
Don't let people take advantage of you. That happens very often but I don't realize it until I go back home and sit alone, thinking about everything then I realize what the fuck was happening at that moment and when I don't realize it, I blame myself for not using my brain and realizing what was happening so I can stop it and be able to do something in that exact second.
Don't let anyone manipulate you. Everyone around me right now is doing it. Camila, Ellie..but I don't have the nerve to face them and tell them that I don't like the way they manipulate me and play me around like I'm nothing.
I feel worthless from the way I get treated. All I ask for is to be happy again, to smile genuinely without having to fake it, to sit alone in my room without my thoughts killing me, to listen to sad songs without flashbacks of things coming back to me, to sleep peacefully at least for once..
It's like my happiness doesn't even exist anymore.
YOU ARE READING
Toxic love // lesbian story (intersex/g!p x girl)General Fiction
"Why are you mad at me?" I asked nervously, looking down. I didn't know it would make her mad that I had someone over to comfort me, i didn't want to call her so I won't annoy her. "Because Grace.." she said sighing "..I want you all for myself" ...