THOSE SUMMER NIGHTS

[38]

[38]

- EDEN -

-

KELDAN HAD TEXTED me telling me that he needed to talk to me before I left. He said that there was something important he needed to talk to me about.

I sat on my bed for a minute, trying not to let the memories of what passed between us affect me. Instead, I decided to turn on a movie before everybody started to wake up. Not having anything specific to watch, I settled on the movie Five Feet Apart.

An hour or two passed and I was sobbing like crazy. My hand was pressed to my mouth to stop myself from sobbing too loud. Julia was still asleep and I didn't want to wake her up with my nonsense.

I paused the movie as the credits started to roll. My body was aching and my head hurt from how hard I was crying. When I decided that I needed a distraction, this movie shouldn't have been it.

Now I was thinking about death and how it could happen at any moment. Now I was thinking about what it would be like without his touch. Now I was thinking about how important it is to live.

I dropped my head back on my bed and let my eyes flutter shut as the tears dried on my cheeks. No matter how many times I repeat this, this time I'll do it:

I'll live.

-

We were in a car on our way to a museum. Julia, Dawson,  and Leah were sitting in the back. Julia had her head down on Leah's shoulder as she told her about her parents wanting to buy a new house. Dawson listened as Julia commented a few times here and there.

I was sitting in the row ahead of them watching the cars whizz past us. Atlas sat right next to me, my hand was in his and softly brushing my thumb over his hand. Every once in a while, he'd glance at me, a weird expression on his face. When I'd give him a questioning look he'd shake his head and look away.

As I stared out the window, my thoughts were overtaken by Keldan, Ethan, the movie I had watched a few hours ago, and back home, I'd feel this huge ache in my chest. My hold tightened around Atlas's hand and I pulled his hand into my lap.

Even though nobody in the cab really knew we were together (we'd kiss and hug and laugh and smile pretty at each other, but we weren't anything more than that... I think), I didn't care.

Atlas moved his lips to my ears, "You're being very touchy all of a sudden,"

I didn't look at him and simply nodded, softly pulling his hand closer. He sighed softly, "What's wrong?"
I shook my head. There was nothing wrong at all. It's just that the reminder of death and how close each of us have been to it was suddenly making me scared. I was scared death that was already looming over us would take us both. Or worse, one of us only.

"It's nothing," I whispered, making it a point not to look at him, "I can't just hold your hand?" He frowned softly, moving my hair back from my face and softly brushing his fingers against my jaw.
He simply nodded and dropped his hand from my jaw. He looked away and talked to Jude, his hold on my hand tightening a fraction, reassuringly.

We toured the Anne Frank Museum and it was equally depressing and beautiful. So much history and so much pain and beauty... All from a little girl. While the rest of the group were looking at the stuff in the gift shop, I decided to make a few calls. My first one was to dad.

When he answered at the first ring, we exchanged formalities. I missed hearing his voice and I didn't realize just how homesick I was. He asked me if I was having fun and if I was ready to come home. I was definitely having fun but had no idea if I was ready to go back home.