30. when we were young

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Trying to plan a funeral while you're bleeding out is hard

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Trying to plan a funeral while you're bleeding out is hard.

Trying to pick a casket while you're flatlining is hard.

Trying to decide where to bury your friend is deadly.

Doing it alone felt like digging our own graves.

It had been two weeks, we hadn't all been in a room together since we walked out of the hospital. I stayed at Liam's, I slept on their couch and Cora tried her best to keep both me and Liam functioning.

Niall stopped by some days, we'd just sit in the living room and cry. We'd smoke and cry and smoke some more until we couldn't feel anything anymore. He went to Vegas for a few days, hustled hundreds of thousands of dollars from slimy old men at the tables. He came back and paid for the entire funeral.

Zayn would come by more regularly, he'd bring booze. Him and Liam would sit in silence and pass the bottle back and forth while they held me as I cried until I fell asleep.

We didn't talk about Louis. I couldn't talk about him. I wanted to, I did. I wanted to tell stories about how he made me laugh and how he made me strong and how he taught me what family felt like, but every time the words tried to claw up my throat, bile rose behind them. So I swallowed them down.

The only time we discussed him was in planning for the funeral. Liam and Niall picked his casket, it was black and shiny with cream satin lining. He would have liked it. Harry picked the funeral home and the cemetery, but I picked the plot. It was out of the city, we had to drive a bit to get there but I liked that. I liked the thought that someday we'd make the drive together, even if we couldn't right now. It was a great location, and the plot was perfect. It was far in the back, by some overgrown trees. There were no current graves there, it had several empty plots and old headstones that you couldn't read anymore. It was secluded, peaceful, it felt like a place just for him, no one would be walking over him or walking by him and paying him no attention. It felt like a spot just for us.

I hadn't seen Harry since the hospital. Niall took him and they disappeared that night, he hadn't been around since. I knew the others had seen him though, I heard Liam talking to him sometimes at night on the balcony.

"She's alright. You should come over, it might help. Being alone doesn't seem like the best thing for any of us."

"No I get it, H, but I just think-"

"Well maybe it would help her, you kno-"

"Yeah, no you're right. I know, I know. I just think you guys could use each other right now, you could help each other."

"Yeah. Yeah, I will. See you soon. Bye."

At least he was asking about me. I hadn't had it me to ask any of them how he was doing, my grief was too all-consuming for that I guess.

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