Dying is the Easiest Part

Chapter 24

Chapter 24

A Place That Represents Me

Garett's words are still ringing inside my head. I walked towards him, held him inside my arms while I was crying for him, for me, for the both of us. I kept saying I'm sorry.

I am so sorry that it happened to him.

I am so sorry that I am like Mailyn.

And I am so sorry that I hurt my family the same way Mailyn hurted Garett when she decided to end all the pain.

I didn't know how long I was holding him. I didn't know how long he's been holding onto me. But when I found the strength to speak another word other than "I'm so sorry," I held his face and I told him I have to go. He nods, agreeing to me. He needs some time alone, too.

Just as the same as I do. And now I'm here, walking alone against the dunes, trying to find my way back home amidst the tears that are blurring my vision. All I could think of was my mother... my Dad-the real Dad that I left behind together with the same pain that has tormented me. I left them, thinking that it would end the pain. I left them without considering the fact that they cannot afford to lose another child again. Not again.

I put a palm on my chest as I struggle to catch for my breath. My heart is hurting so bad that I couldn't breathe. It felt like there are two solid walls trying to close in and squeeze my heart like a pulp.

Help me.

My mind begins to scream. I don't even know to whom I am asking help for but there is some pain that was too much to carry that I couldn't even recognize the kind of help that I need. All I know is that I want all of this to pass. All I know is I want to make all this through because I'm about to lose my mind.

I'm feeling it again.

Oh God. I'm feeling it again. The same pain that I know I wouldn't survive, causing to make a decision to end it all. The kind of pain that nearly made me lost my mind, my ability to think straight.

Everything is starting to hurt like hell but I kept on walking and walking not knowing if I'm in the right direction.

My feet stopped when I found an old and rusty gate. A gate that I wouldn't dare touch if I'm careful not to taint my hands. But right now, I would do anything just to shift my mind from the pain.

I pushed the gate and despite how weak and shaky my hands were, surprisingly the gate opened, almost voluntarily, revealing me the loneliest and scariest place that I've ever seen.

If there's something I could use as a place or an object to explain my pain, this would be it. Agonizing. Unendurable. Alone. Godforsaken. This place is me and all my pain combined. I take slow and careful steps in and I noticed that my feet are no longer standing on the dunes. I am now standing on the ashes that are so dark and so grey that just looking at them makes it so hard to breathe. I take the place in.

There is no grass. Only dead flowers. As dead as this place.

It is so dark and secluded and as I take every step in, I notice how the moon above slowly disappears, together with the dim light that it's emitting to give me the sight to see what's around me.

I hear a growl on my left side, making even the smallest hair that I have in my body stood erect. I tilt my head to look to whom or from where the growl was coming from and my already-weak-knees begins shaking in fear when I saw a lion-the biggest lion that I've ever seen, walking slowly, approaching me as it stares angrily at me. He stood and walked proud, showing me his fangs as the low guttural sound from his throat keep ricocheting and bouncing inside its chest.