More tears kept coming down my cheeks and I can't make them stop. I never cry, even when I'm sad. I keep everything to myself until my breaking point and I think I just got to it.
I lifted my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, putting my head down and letting the tears come out of my eyes.
Maybe I'll feel better after I let it out, maybe I'll be happy, maybe things will get better, maybe it stops hurting, maybe my problems will go away..maybe.
"I never stopped hating you" it kept repeating in my head. Am I not trying hard enough for her? Am I still the same person I was? Am I losing myself again?
It was a mistake. Keeping all my feelings inside for a long time was a mistake because now I have to deal with all of them at once.
My thoughts are killing me right now.
You're never gonna be good enough.
I hurt people thinking it might make me feel better because they're the one hurting but it doesn't make my pain go away, it just makes the other person feel bad too.
I thought someone hurting will make me feel better but it didn't, it just reminded me how badly I've been hurt that seeing other people hurting is..okay to me.
People said that others can change but they never said how hard and overwhelming it will take for it to happen.
I have to try harder for Grace, I have to try my hardest so she would see how much I changed but I don't know what hard enough is.
I hear people saying "I love you" to their partners but when I try to do it, I can't because I feel like I don't know what actual love is and what it's supposed to feel like.
Is it going to hurt like it's hurting right now? Will it make me happy or will it make me feel overwhelmed and tired? Does it mean I have to deal with more problems?
If Grace was going through something I will try so hard to solve her problems even if I can't solve mine.
If she's sad I'll make her happy, even if I'm not happy.
If she needs me, I'll be there for her even if she's not going to be there for me when I need her.
If she wants someone to talk to about her problems, she can talk to me but she doesn't know that and she won't talk to me because I hurt her before.
But I promise myself that I will be good for her, that she'll look at me and think "she changed just for me"
I want her to look at me and be proud of me for getting this far in life.
I started sobbing, my grip tightening around my knees as I felt like I wanted someone to hold me, I wanted Grace to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.
I heard someone's footsteps so I looked up and wiped my tears immediately, seeing the woman that was in the store here.
I stood up and backed away from her "what do you want?" I asked. She was looking at me in pure shock "you're Ellie Miller right?" I swallowed a lump in my throat and nodded.
She covered her mouth and stepped closer to me but I backed away "it's okay Ellie..I'm-I'm your mom" I laughed and shook my head "no you're not"
"I am. I'm Amani Ibrahim. I'm your biological mom" she said "why isn't your last name Miller then?" I asked her, she looked down "because me and your dad never got married. My family didn't allow it"
"Why?" I asked. Even if she isn't my mom, I just want to know "he's white and American. I'm Arab and my family wanted me to marry an Arab man but I didn't want that, I was in love with your dad..I still am but when we told them that we wanted to get married, they said that they won't allow it"
"We tried more than one time but they wouldn't let us. Me and your dad kept seeing each other secretly, he tried to comfort me because I'm pregnant and my family..they're really strict and religious and if I told them that, they would've killed me that's why we wanted to get married so I would tell them that I got pregnant when we got married"
"Where is my dad now?" I asked crossing my arms "god knows where.." she said laughing, wiping her tears "..his father passed away a few weeks ago and he didn't contact me after and when I saw you at the store I might have thought that if I told him that I found you, he would be in contact with me again and we could be a happy family"
"How can I actually know you're my mom?" I asked her. She sighed "we can go take a DNA test right now" I thought about it then nodded "okay then"
At this point I don't care if she kills me or kidnaps me or whatever, I'm hopeless and this is my only hope of finding who my parents really are.
We were waiting for the results to come out, just anxiously waiting for the doctor to tell us whether she's my mother or not.
The doctor walked out and I stood up so did Amani. We looked at each other then at the doctor "so the results are out and.." he looked at me and smiled "..she is your mother and you are her daughter"
I looked at Amani as she smiled widely. I'm mad, I'm so mad and so fucking sad. She walked towards me, wanting a hug but I pushed her away from me "you left me to live in such a shitty fucking world all alone!" I walked out of the hospital and started walking really fast towards the cabin, tears running down my cheeks as I felt myself getting more drowned into my problems.
I'm happy I found my mom but I'm sad that she left me. I sat down on the side of the road and started sobbing. I don't know what's happening, my problems are everywhere and I can't seem to solve any of them.
Why can't anyone stay? They all eventually leave and now I'm starting to think I'm the problem not them.
I walked into the cabin and closed the door. I turned around and my eyes locked with Grace's beautiful eyes "I'm sorry" she said before saying anything else.
"Why aren't you asleep?" I asked sniffing, trying to sound okay but it was impossible considering I cried for like two hours today, it was just so tiring.
"I was waiting for you to come back home. What happened? are you okay?" She asked cupping my face. I rested my forehead on hers and closed my eyes, preparing myself mentally for what I'm about to do and say.
"I think I'm in love with you Grace" I opened my eyes to be met by Grace's shocked face. Her hands fell from my cheek and here, I knew I messed up badly.
You're so stupid Ellie. You keep ruining things. You're not sure then why the fuck did you say it? You just couldn't keep it to yourself fucker, you were SO excited to tell the person that likes someone else that you love them.
"I-I don't know what to say" she said, I smiled and let a tear come down my cheek "it's okay. You don't have to say anything. You probably don't love me and it's okay because I don't love me either"
I laughed and looked beside me, not wanting to look into her eyes that were filled with tears "it's kind of hard to love someone like me" I said, trying to hide the pain I was feeling.
"You're gonna find someone that will love you Ellie.." I looked back at Grace and she placed a kiss on my cheek "..but that someone is not me, I'm sorry"
YOU ARE READING
Toxic love // lesbian story (intersex/g!p x girl)General Fiction
"Why are you mad at me?" I asked nervously, looking down. I didn't know it would make her mad that I had someone over to comfort me, i didn't want to call her so I won't annoy her. "Because Grace.." she said sighing "..I want you all for myself" ...