S. Gojo (& Nanami?) - Ham Sandwiches

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(Okay this is purely indulgent, but, AU where you and Gojo have a podcast where you read fanfiction about yourselves. Like "Awsten + Travis' Slumber Party". I am hilarious.)


"Welcome," Gojo sings into his microphone, mouth pushing against it and making the sound come out muffled. "Welcome. Welcome."

You grimance, pulling your headphones away from your ears for a moment before situating yourself in front of your own mic.

"Welcome," you continue, effectively shutting Gojo up, "you freaky fuckers."

"Freaky!"

"Are you going to sing everything in this episode?"

"I wasn't going to- But I can."

"No," you take a breath, fiddling with the computer in front of you and opening a new tab. "You know what we do here, and if you don't, just leave because this is going to make your day worse."

"What do you mean, this is a treat!"

"I go home and cry after every episode. Literal tears."

"I masturbate. Raw dog that shit wherever I can," he says proudly, his laughs barely hidden under his breath.

"Alright."

"Anyway! Today we have a fanfic about Y/N and Nanami, because apparently y'all love that shit."

"And I'm fine with it, the man is beautiful."

"Am I not beautiful?" Gojo questions, patting his chest.

"No. Do you want to start reading or-"

"Rude!" He clears his throat, leaning over your shoulder to pull the computer between you. "So this is titled Up His Ass Eating a Ham Sandwich."

"Which is literally horrifying."

"And it starts with Y/N's point of view, that's what this little author note thing says here."

"Should I read the part in my point of view?" You ask, sniffing slightly and voice coming out fainter as you turn to look at Gojo.

He hums in thought, before shaking his head. "Nah, I wanna do it. I make a fantastic you."

"I'm going to kill myself."

"'I have an affinity for ham sandwiches. They're tender, sometimes wet, and mix so delicately with the dryness that surrounds them.' This is going to turn into an innuendo so fast. Do you think he's gonna fuck you through a ham sandwich? Vice versa?"

You put your head in your hands. "Dear lord, the mental image I have right now."

"Wait! This next line explains, 'I've always wanted to bang while eating a ham sandwich,' that's boring, you're just gonna be eating one, 'but I haven't found anyone to do it with.'"

"Main life goal: Finding someone to fuck while I munch on a delectable ham sandwich."

"Hammy sammy, if you will."

"I won't."

Gojo huffs, leaning in farther and skimming to the next line.

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