Wed or Dead

LVIII

Author's note

Sorry I added the wrong chapter 😭😭😭

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It was usually Remi who had control issues, it was Remi who was reckless, impulsive, and loud. Milo never raised his voice, never started the fight, he was always above getting upset over something so how did decorating cookies do that to him?

Remi was about to storm forward and beat his ass for acting like a clown but he was stopped.

"Wait let me talk to him," Casey said seeing in what mood he is.

"Whatever" Remi shrugged and started helping Eliana with cutting vegetables while Casey followed Milo.

"Why did you let her go? Casey's bluntness she will just agitate him further" Eliana asked quietly, a little worried that Remi will cut his finger off if he keeps cutting vegetables with so much aggression.

"Exactly and when she does he will focus her anger on her not me it's a win-win situation"

"That's... cynical" Eliana pointed out.

"Practical" Remi said shrugging his shoulder.

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"Is everything okay?" Casey asked. She didn't make her voice gentle because she hated when people did that with her, it was making her angrier.

"Get the fuck out of my room," Milo said annoyed.

"It's about Sofia isn't it?" She asked bluntly, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Don't fucking use her name!" Milo never yelled, so when he raised his voice it really made a difference but Casey refused to be scared.

She knew speaking would make him even angrier so in a split second she made a decision. In brisk movement, she went towards him and when she got close enough she wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly. He didn't hug her back but he didn't push her away either probably shocked by this rare sign of affection. Casey was not an affectionate person.

"You know I did a lot of stupid reckless shit and I was wondering what will happen to Eliana if I die"

"What?" Milo froze in place. This sudden change of topic made him so baffled he forgot that he's angry.

„And there were times when I really wanted to kill myself"

„Casey? I fucking swear-"

She interrupted him.

"I'm trying to say it's the worst thing, it's the worst thing ever for a person who thinks about their own death to question what will happen to their family. To leave their family. Will they be okay? Or are they just going to suffer for the rest of their days? Will this life become hell for them? And if Sofia loved you I'm sure she would be worried about the same thing. I know that her death was an accident, that she didn't have time to think about it in that way but what do you think she would've hoped for? What's more peaceful than knowing that people you love are okay? So let her memory be the one that brings happiness not pain. I think that's what she would've wanted"

"Casey-"

"I'm trying to tell you it's okay to enjoy the family time because that's what she would've wanted"

"Family time without her? How is that okay?" he said and his voice broke. He said and dropped on the bed, hiding his face in his arms and desperately trying not to cry. "I'm afraid being happy means I'm forgetting her as long as I feel the pain I can feel it freshly. The day I learned about her death as if I lost her yesterday not years ago. As if yesterday I could talk and laugh with her. I don't want her gone

"This is when Casey took a step away to look at him.

"Milo I'm not going to hit you with some cheesy fucking shit like people who we love are never really gone. I hate it. I hate those lies people feed themselves to make it feel all good. She's gone, okay? She was precious to you and now she's not here. She's not present so all you're getting from clinging on to this idea of her being close to you is emptiness and pain"

"Never become a therapist," he said in a dry voice.

"No shit, I'm not planning to become one" Casey responded "what I'm trying to say is that if all you have left is a memory of her, honor that memory. The best thing you can do for the person who died is to let their memory be a source of happiness. A blessing. It shouldn't be a curse to remember. It shouldn't make you suffer because the memory of that person wouldn't want you to suffer"

"Are you honoring the memory of your parents?"

"Of course not. I couldn't get to terms with the fact that they're just a memory till recently. They were the closest people I had in life. They were such a good people just like Eliana is, she's so similar to them"

"Don't say that Cas"

"What?"

"You're a good person too. Don't be mad at yourself for things you've done. You can't undo it anyway, as bottling up all this guilt makes you lash out on people. You've done some shit in the past, it's okay"

"How is any of this okay? I've caused Eliana so much pain"

"For fuck sake, Cas. She loves you, imagine what sort of pain she would feel if you were gone. The same you feel after your parents the same I'm feeling after mine, after Sofia. Just do your best and be happy so she can be happy too"

"Same goes to you"

"What?"

"I need you to be happy Milo because then we can be happy together. You were sad today so atmosphere kinda sucked all morning" Casey explained.

"I'm sorry. I will cheer up, I promise" Milo promised

"You better"

They hugged themselves tightly.

"Shit y'all are so depressing" Remi commented leaning over the door frame.

"How long was he here?" Casey asked.

"I came to check if you haven't murdered each other but it's worse you're doing angsty shit, how depressing"

"Jeez, will you stop complaining? We were having a moment" Milo asked in flat voice.

"Easy for you to say. A group hug and I'm not even invited, fuck both of you" Remi started sulking after saying that.

"Come here, you idiot," Milo said in amusement.

Remi sat next to them on the Milo's bed.

"By the way you're telling us now that you were suicidal" Remi asked breaking the moment.

"That's a big word. Was"

"Your therapist know about this?"

"You think we would have this conversation if she didn't? Of course, she knows, so does Eliana. I thought that if I will be as unlikable as I can no one will miss me. I separated myself from people because I was afraid they will get attached. Eliana was the person I was angry at the most because no matter what I did how difficult I was she still loved me I wanted her to stop loving me"

"Idiot" Remi muttered.

"What a sensitive remark" Milo said sarcastically.

"Cas, you're not allowed to kill yourself"

"Noted" Casey responded with a dry voice.

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