𝘖𝘮𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘵
𝘛𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳...
𝘋𝘰𝘸𝘯𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘙𝘰𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘬𝘦, 𝘝𝘈
Laying down with both legs crossed on top of one another, arms propped up under chin, Alex laid there scrolling on her iPad trying to find yet another romantic movie to watch. It was one of the best genres she'd found herself loving over the years, loving how set a storyline could begin so weakly but always go off finishing strong. She thought that there wasn't anything better but watching a couple—a black couple at that, spring over another in time.
Black love, it had seemed like the best to her and it had also made her wanna experience it but there weren't a way that she could. Not with the way her mindset or the up high standards she had could show, she knew that it would take the perfect timing from God him self in order to make that happen for her.
Besides, being and falling in love wasn't something Alex thought she could ever handle. She felt like it was too much but yet it came with too much as well, it was something that she knew she wouldn't be able to take control of.
Having the mindset of being single and alone felt like a good one. You didn't have to worry about getting cheated on, played around with or even just using your time—wasting it on someone who most of all, certainly wouldn't be able to keep you happy nor provided.
It was something that seemed like a waste and for Alex, she wasn't even gonna go out and put her self in predicaments to even deal with those things. She would rather just stay lonely and survive off of romantic movies, toys, porn and her frankly innocent—but also wild imagination to keep her satisfied because that was her reality.
Her reality of even getting the close chance to say that her life was good and that it was fine, it was what she was dealing with to make her self happy.
Although those things were said and thought about, Alex knew the real thing. She knew deep down that she wasn't happy with the way things were going on her life and although, her life wasn't something that she could complain about—she had been doing good for herself and especially at the age she was, Alex was fine but then again she really wasn't.
It was like there were still were many pieces that were missing in her life, which only caused the amount of happiness that she wanted and deserved to come short.
There would be times that were craved to feel appreciated but also being shown value was something that Alex had began to feel like she needed and feen for as well. As a woman, she had began to feel so miserable thinking about the years of herself being so solely and how no one would eventually actually walk into her life to change her view on love differently. Even if that meant her having something to do with it. She felt like even if she did want to go out and start trying to look for something, it wouldn't been what she wanted.
And there, was where a lot of her unknown deeply insecurities, overthinking and issues had began to play in. Those were the things that she wanted to be changed within her but she wouldn't known a way to do that if she hadn't received the chance too.
All day thoughts about going out and even giving the opportunity to talk to someone clouded her mind. She had been going back in forth with her self debating on if she really wanted to take a chance but once again, she just couldn't allow herself to do so. It was just something that was stopping her from doing that and she didn't know what it was. Whether it was her mind, her pride or even her own insecurities barging in the way of it—she wished that it wasn't so hard for her to receive what she'd actually wanted without any add ons.
