Forbidden Fantasies (Darkest Desire Book 2)

23. Midnight Squirmish

I'm truly sorry that I haven't update in that long. I have been rather obssessed with my other fanfiction about Alan Rickman, so that's where all my time and interest have been going. But all the comments on the last chapter really made me feel guilty, so here's the next update.

-...Better to regret something you did than something you didn't do...-

Whoever said that, was a moron.

A fucking imbecile.

Returning to Hogwarts and pretending everything was all right while on the inside I was falling apart turned out to be a lot harder than I initially thought. A couple of weeks had gone by before I reached some sort of understanding within myself as to how to deal with this situation. And again, it all boiled down to Severus. It always did, in the end. The fact that he was currently spying for Dumbledore by pretending to be a Death Eater bore more than enough strain on the man's psyche. I couldn't-wouldn't-add to that the necessity of trying to cohabit with me and my problems. The fact that he was technically my soulmate and that he probably deserved a choice in the matter didn't once cross my mind.

Severus was a brave man, who in this instant was putting everything on the line in order to supply Dumbledore with information about the Dark Lord and his followers. He was also tortured by secrets of his past he didn't want to share with me.

I knew this, and yet, until know, I hadn't really realized he did it out of necessity.

Out of survival.

Because that's what it was, plain and simple. A man must learn how to compartmentalize his emotions, to live in a continued state of extreme control and cautiousness, never slip up and never reveal anything in order to survive. A thousand lies, a hundred secrets, all hidden behind that stony facade of cruelty and anger. Cold, detached, emotionless, it was all in order to deceive the most dark and dangerous wizard of our times. The fact that I in my 212 years of existence hadn't accomplished such a state of control over my mind and body said enough. It made his determination and will-strength all the more admirable.

So in the weeks that followed I made sure to keep my distance. To remain sane, I chose to isolate myself from his company, to make sure I wouldn't do anything that would set him off yet again. He'd pointed out-quite accurately-that ever since I came into his life I had done nothing but cause him trouble.

I still remembered Albus's words about keeping my distance and not digging into the man's past. That had been over a year ago now, and I couldn't have disobeyed him further. But now I was also aware of the fact that I cared deeply for the tortured and broken man that was Severus Snape. Loved him, in fact. And that only made things more difficult. He was on a mission of his own, destined to do things beyond anyone's worst nightmare, while I had my own path to travel. Our journeys might converge on one point or another, but maybe they were never meant to join. The though was scary, and frankly quite depressing, but I was starting to think of resigning to my fate was the safest choice for the both of us.

But it seemed that wasn't meant to be.

After classes started again in Hogwarts, all I could do was try and remain unnoticed. Specially to Severus. I thought of leaving on more than one occasion, but the protection that Albus's presence at Hogwarts offered was far greater than the chances and risks of heading out on my own in tumultuous times like this. Or maybe it was the fact that I couldn't stay away from Severus. Despite my newest goal to let him be it seemed I was too attached to him to let myself out of his life completely.