The Christmas Conversation

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L A S T

C H R I S T M A S

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I blinked many times, trying to break the reality I was set in.

My heart beats for you.

You're in my blood.

I patted the heat from my face away. My tears were long gone, my face dry.

The lights suddenly flashed on, giving me a mini heart attack. The swirling sound of the heater rumbled and the stores tunes filled the air. I turned the CD player off and pushed it aside.

I looked out the window at the snow. It was still coming down hard but less so. I inwardly cursed knowing our time was limited. That's all I wanted: time. Even if it was forced time.

I slipped my heels off, rubbing the aching bottoms of my feet. I set them to the side before traveling around the bakery. I slipped the glass cover open and plucked two orange danishes out—Adam's favorite. I traveled to the back and saw Adam at the in the electrical room near the power box.

"You got it fixed."

"Yep."

I held the danish out and he took it. He scarfed it down while I took nibbles, enjoying the sweetness that came from every crevice. We leaned on opposite walls of the small electrical closet, melting in the forming warmth.

"Last Christmas I flew to California," Adam suddenly confessed. I snapped my head towards him. He had his attention to the ceiling as he leaned back comfortably. His Adam's apple bobbed. "Your mom told me about your second bakery opening. I figured I'd drop by and maybe see you."

"I don't—I didn't see you." Trust me, if I did, I would've been in hysterics. It would've meant the world to me to see Adam.

"But I saw you. I remember looking around, dumbfounded of how many people you'd manage to rack up. I was proud of you." I let my head drop as I took in his words. "When I saw you, you looked different. Your hair was longer, you stood taller. You were so beautiful, I swear I broke out in sweat." Adam released out a deep throated chuckle.

"Beautiful?" I croaked.

His eyes remained on the ceiling. "Heavenly so. It made me forget why I ever decided to stop speaking to you. It made me feel like an idiot knowing I let someone like you get away."

"Adam—"

He cut me off, continuing. "But I got a harsh reality check when a blonde man in a flashy tux came next to you. I figured he was a co-worker or manager but then he kissed you." My breath hitched. He was talking about Liam, a former boyfriend. "I thought I was going to kill him. I wanted to. It took all my might to not throw him across the counter, to shout at him and let him know that he didn't deserve you, that I deserved you." Adam moved forwards, dropping his head to mine. He swept a stray piece from my face and tucked it behind my shoulder. His hand landed on my neck, causing my body to shake. "Then I realized I had nothing to offer. All I had was a janky bar with an unstable income. Telling you how I felt was pointless. I left just as you had. There was no redemption for me."

Adam looked solemn. His soothed eyes reappearing. "Then what?"

"I left. I came back to New York and swore to never go back. I wanted to let you be happy, even if it was without me, even if I began to hate you for it."

He started to move his hand but I reached out and held it in place, silently begging for his searing touch. My fingers stayed over his strong knuckles. "You should have told me. Things would have been different." So different.

"They wouldn't have been. You have someone better now."

"I'm not with him anymore," I speedily said. "I cared for him but..."

"But what?" A pinch of hopefulness came over him.

"He proposed and I couldn't say yes. I told him that I loved him but I couldn't promise him forever. He asked me how long I'd take and when I didn't answer, he left."

"You loved him?" Adam's voice cracked, making my heart shatter.

"Not in the way he loved me," I clarified. "I loved him because he was the only person I had after you left. But we were always missing something." My mouth went dry and became scratchy. "What I felt for him was not remotely close to what I felt for you." An instant weight fell off my shoulders. The words were out. The ones I kept to myself and pushed far into my subconscious. "If I knew this, I wouldn't have wasted so much time hiding from you, being afraid to see you."

Adam crashed me into his chest, laying his head top of mine. I buried my face into him and wrapped my arms around his torso. "I'm sorry," he mumbled into my hair.

"You'll always be enough for me Adam. You've always been enough."

If it wasn't for the fast sputtering of his heart, I could never guessed he was as terrified as I was. Terrified that these truths had just left us in a more complicated place than before.