The Golden Girl ↠ Finn Shelby

CHAPTER 50 ↠ purpose

All that time, even after Christmas of 1928, 'I love you' were not words Bea and Finn exchanged. 'I adore you', 'I cannot imagine being with anyone else' were said by both, but 'I love you' seemed to be out of their vocabulary. Perhaps, those were words Finn wanted to save for an incredibly special occasion or perhaps only after she agreed on letting everyone know that they were together, she had once thought. In fact, after hearing what she had told Michael when he confessed her love for her, it had frightened Finn into silence.

And Bea knew she would only say them after he did.

Bea was on top of Finn, straddling him with both legs in each side of his body, as he was sitting up on the bed, holding her with one hand at her lower back and the other at the back of her neck, pulling her in for a small kiss as they couldn't hold it for long, needing to breathe. She had one hand his neck and the other on his shoulder.

Finn, held her closer to him with his arm that went all the way up to her neck and with the free hand, he made pressure on the bed so he could smoothly spin them and make Bea lay under him. As he finished, trying to make the most out of those last seconds he looked at Bea, wanting to see every detail of her face. Before rolling to the side and get out from on top of Bea, he kissed her softly. 

They stayed there, lying, for a couple of minutes without saying anything, just catching their breath. Then Bea leans on her elbow, turning to Finn. He keeps looking at the ceiling, breathing hard as he reaches for her and starts caressing the back of her neck.

"What is it?" he asks when he finally looks at her.

After so long, he could easily read her looks and understand her silences. He knew that she had something on her mind but was hesitant to speak. One of the biggest differences in Bea — when she came to Birmingham, she'd say whatever was on her mind, now, a few months from turning 21, she would always think before speaking and sometimes not speak at all if there were chances she'd be misunderstood or hurt someone's feelings.

Bea shows him a small smile for a second and then looks at his chest, to avoid eye contact with him.

"Come on, just say whatever it is, Bumble," Finn pleads patiently.

Bea then looks again at his eyes, that held a gentle gaze, for a few seconds before speaking.

"I am not the thing that is missing in your life," she reflects. 

Finn raises his eyebrows in surprise.

It hadn't been the first time Bea had thought about it, in fact, over the years, she'd thought it a lot. Maybe why she wouldn't say 'I love you' unless he did.

"You are not what is missing because I have you," Finn jokes.

Bea smiles lovingly and says, "You know what I mean." Bea then becomes a little less cheerful. "I am not what you need to fulfill the void."

"Well, then... what is that void? What is missing in my life?" he asks, less cheerful himself and looking up at the ceiling and way from her.

"A purpose. You have to find your place in the world, in the business... and in your family."

Finn doesn't stop caressing the back of her neck, and sighs.

"I am not what is going to make it go away," Bea insists. "And neither are late nights partying and whisky," she says a little more light-heartedly. 

"And what is my place in my family, Bea?" he asks slightly annoyed.

"You should be Tommy's right hand. You're young... you can learn, and you can be more useful to him."

"Tommy's right hand is Arthur. Polly doesn't need anyone, and Ada is well off with her kid in London."

"I know that it has been hard for you, I can see it, but you need to find your place, so you can feel fulfilled as part of your family."

"I have tried, and I have failed... Anyway, Bumble" Finn says with a smirk, staring at her eyes, "I love late nights partying and whisky... and you."

Bea couldn't help the questioned look on her face as she furrowed her brows.

"I do. I love you, Beatrice," Finn admits at last. 

Bea was unreasonably stunned. But, after three years, why would such words shock her so? It was clear in actions, it was clear in other words as well.

"What?" Finn questions softly. "It's the truth, you know? I love you more than anything else."

As Bea just stares into his eyes, and for the first time in a while Finn can't understand if it is a good silence or a bad one, he leans into her, and with the hand on the back of her neck her gives her a little tug to encourage her to meet her halfway, which she does, it a slow, passionate kiss. Bea deepens the kiss and moves a hand to Finn's head and she drops her upper body onto his. Finn moves his free hand to her lower back, keeping her in place. 

Finn didn't push Bea by saying it another time nor by making her feel like she had to say it back. But after three years, ready to tell everyone how much he absolutely loved her for over a year, he thought it was time. Bea's conversation about her not being what was missing in his life worried Finn that she might think that he didn't truly have feelings for her, despite how long they had been together and how much he cared for her on a daily basis. It was time, for him, to drop whatever fears he had of getting the same rejection as Michael, and to say what had been in his heart for so long to Bea. 

It was time, for him, to drop whatever fears he had of getting the same rejection as Michael, and to say what had been in his heart for so long to Bea. That would make his feelings clear to Bea and erase whatever uncertainties she still had. It surprised Finn how she just didn't believe that Finn loved her the way he did, especially since she was the one who was too good to be true. He was just Finn Shelby, the youngest Shelby brother with no important role in the family business. 

Soon, tired, Finn fell asleep. But Bea stayed awake, with her head on his chest, listening to his calm heartbeats for a while before sleep finally came to her.