Petal [h.s.]

NINETEEN - I ALMOST DO

"Stupid, stupid, stupid..."

I muttered the words to myself as I paced the length of my living room. I ran my hand over my face and up through my unruly hair. I could still smell her perfume. It was lingering on my shirt where she had been pressed against me. I grasped the neckline and yanked it over my head, tossing it toward my laundry basket. I couldn't bear it, to smell like her.

She smelled like summertime, like succulent peaches and a hint of honey. Her scent tangled with my own musky cologne and lingered on my skin, marking me. I felt dizzy as I climbed into a cold shower, overwhelmed with her. I scrubbed my skin raw, getting her intoxicating scent off my hands and my mouth and my chest.

I was so angry that she walked away from me and chose Finn instead. Even though I knew that if I was her, I would have done the same. I would have to go to Jessie over her. We couldn't be together in public. River and Buffy seeing us come off that Ferris Wheel all disheveled was bad enough.

The shower didn't settle me down like I hoped it would. I felt like I was losing my mind. I walked into my bedroom and yanked on a pair of gray sweats. I tried to hear the sounds of her talking with Finn through the wall, but they must have been in a different room. Any noise was muffled. My mind flashed to the look on her face when she saw him waiting for her. She lit up. She fucking lit up and yet I was the one who caught fire. I was the one that was burning.

I wish I had finished the job on the Ferris Wheel, wished I had kept her there all night long with me. I would have if I knew he would be waiting there for her. I would have if I had known that she would walk away from me.

I forced myself to sit down, burying my face in my hands as I tried to take my mind off her and what she could be doing with him over there.

"God, don't fuck him." I murmured to myself, shaking my head. I couldn't handle that right then. I'd lose it if I heard her moaning on the other side of the wall, knowing he was there with her. It was unfair. It was so unfair that I was sitting here in a relationship, silently begging my neighbor not to let other men touch her. My hatred for myself grew more and more.

My apartment door opened and shut quietly. I snapped my head out of my hands to look up at it. My body was tense as I waited for whoever just walked in to come into my bedroom. I found myself praying it wouldn't be Jessie. I couldn't look at her, not when my hands were so desperately all over Arabella less than an hour ago.

I breathed out a sigh and relaxed when I saw Buffy enter. She stared at me from the door, looking concerned.

"Are you good?" She asked, lifting her eyebrows, "You don't look like you are."

"If I hypothetically murdered someone, you'd help me bury the body, right?" I asked her, tilting my head.

"As long as it's hypothetically your shitty girlfriend." She said with a smirk, plopping down on the bed next to me.