Claws and Talons [Kyo Sohma]

Chapter 43 - I'm Disappointed In You

Word Count :  1759

"Kyo-"

"Me, too." He said cutting me off. "There's something I've been wanting to ask you for a while. If I'm fooling myself, please, laugh at me. Make fun of me as much as you want. Do you... Do you love me?" I went red. "Are you stupid? Shit, my hunch was right. You picked me of all people?" He dropped the umbrella he was holding. "I thought you loved your mom and Akito more. Was that all a lie? Is that all just... cancelled now? I can't deal with this." He headed into the rain without his umbrella. I continued to go after him. I went outside without an umbrella or shoes on.

"Please listen! I-" I tried to talk but he cut me off.

"You don't know anything! You don't know what I did!" He shouted. I stayed silent not knowing what to answer. My thoughts the last time the two of us were standing out in the rain. When he had transformed into his true form and my curse broke.

Why does all the sad stuff seem to come with the rain?

"She would have lived. If I had helped. Your mom would've. I knew your mom." He looked to his side on the ground, not looking at me. "That day on New Year's eve... The day of the accident, I had planned on going to the roof where I would sometimes see her. We met a long time ago, right after Master took me in. Back then I was still too self-conscious to go straight to the dojo after school, so I wandered around. I ended up on the roof of your apartment building. She noticed me and came to see me. I was confused that this person who resembled Akito so much was talking to me. Eventually she ended up leaving and then I started going there often. She told me about a lot of stuff. She talked about herself. About her husband who had died and most of all her daughter. After a while I took a break seeing her. But then I got angry and ran away and somehow I ended up at the apartment. I had been making my way up the stairs and I saw a man ahead of me. I watched him make his way to an apartment door. It was the door leading to the place you lived with your mom. I knew that the two of you lived there and I thought that you were having guests over. I saw him start to pick the lock but I didn't fully understand what was happening. I continued up the stairs and I waited at the top. Not long after cop cars started to show up. I made my way down the stairs to see what was going on. That's when I saw the last thing I was expecting. The police were taking away the man I had seen in front of your door. I let her die. What made it worse was when I saw you running trying to see what had happened. I saw you collapse on the ground after seeing your mom." He confessed. I was frozen, I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. Everything he said was so much information I didn't know how to process the information. 

"If I had just noticed what he was doing... I could have gotten help... she wouldn't have been killed... she wouldn't have felt the pain. I know she wouldn't have died. Looking back I think I had known what was happening but I was too scared to do something about it. I was worried I would get attacked. I protected myself. I put myself above someone's life. Even though... Even though I loathe myself. I hate myself so much, I wish I'd just go away and disappear... but somehow in the end I always protect myself. Even now. I'm too scared to even look at your face. My mom... she went flying and died, too. She wasn't murdered though. She said she felt guilty for giving birth to me. Said she felt sorry for me, and it was hard, and she couldn't stay with me. She was sobbing and the next day she... died. Just admit it already. Everything's my fault. I robbed them. I... I let them die. After I saw you collapse I ran. As fast as I could I ran all the way home. Master took me to live in the mountains. I just stayed frozen in the dark. He tried to get me to continue living, but I couldn't forgive myself for what I had done. Eventually I came back but after a few years I went back to the mountains. I felt like I had been the one to die this time. So I decided. It's not my fault. It's his fault. It's Yuki's. I blamed Yuki. I created a bad guy and made him take responsibility for everything. It wasn't logical. It didn't need to be. I just needed him to be the bad guy. Whatever, as long as I could make anything his fault so I could pretend to forget. As long as I could just keep hating him... I focused on that and erased the memory of letting your mother die. I can't believe I'd forgotten all this time. When I saw the picture of your mother. It made me remember her face and everything else with her. I conveniently repressed the memory and shifted my guilt to the bad guy. My whole life, protecting myself was the one thing I'm good at. I'm the worst, huh? When I got better, I decided to leave the mountains and use my hatred to keep me alive. Master's smiled and looked sad. I was summoned when I got back, my dad had told Akito I had dropped off the map. Akito scolded me. We argued. We made a bet."