𝙆𝙄𝙎𝙎 𝙃𝙀𝙍 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝙁𝙊𝙊𝙇ʳᵃⁿᵇᵒᵒ

*•.¸♡𝙏𝙬𝙞𝙣 𝙎𝙞𝙯𝙚𝙙 𝙈𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙨♡¸.•*

I stayed up on that sorrowful rooftop 'till the morning came. 'Till the blazing sun (ever so sluggish) travelled its way over the horizon of what used to be the lake.

The sight only made me cry more. Fresh hot tears, following down the same track as the previous. It felt like it burned, as if I were allergic to water. It was upsetting, terribly so, but other factors still came into play. The lake was admittedly the least of my worries.

What pertained to be the main issue was the constant buzzing from in my pocket, of which being none other than desperate calls and messages from Isla.

I blocked her on everything in the end. Discord, Twitter, Instagram, her number, you name it. She was gone, and ultimately it was for the better.

I hope to god it was for the better.

I don't know what I would do with myself if it wasn't.

I don't know what I'm doing with myself right now...

...Why am I still on the fucking roof??

I make the executive decision to climb my way back into my room. Providing my skin the desperate escape it needed from the sun, as well as the soft comfort of my bed. I crouch under the window frame, violently shutting it behind me and collapsing onto my mattress, my limp body melting into it like candle wax.

The moment I do however, I let out a wracked scream into my pillow. A loud one at that.

It sounds saddening, the screaming I mean, but what I find to be truly upsetting is how I go the extra mile to soften them by the pillow in the first place. Because even though my pain seeps through all orfices of my body, I still have half the mind to dispel them from my parents.

They didn't need that burden, no one did.

Last night was rough, for a multitude of reasons. The main one being the revelation that I'm the main cause of all of them. And they're certainly were a lot of them.

To list off a few:

I betrayed one of my best friends by lying to him for 6 straight months about kinda-dating-not-really-dating his best friend of 5 years.

I lost the love of my life (which happens to be said bestfriend).

Lost my bestfriend (the one that was bestfriends with the girl I was pseudo dating).

And ultimately, lost myself along the way too.

And yeah, admittedly, some of it wasn't on me. For example, Tubbo never told me that he was in love with Isla. How the fuck was I meant to know that? But I still, through it all, all of this bullshit, lied to him about her. I went behind his back, lied to him about who I was talking to, knowing full well that she was his best friend, and still insisted on purposely leading him away from the truth.

And knowing that I was blinded enough by my own admiration, that I fucked up this bad, feels like the weight of the world thrown onto my bare back.

It was crushing.

Guilt was crushing me.

The guilt was crushing my insides from the outside in. Squishing my stomach and lungs together until they meet in the middle and crack open.

And what a great relief lying on a mattress was to that weight.

So much so, my eyes loll themselves to a determined slumber before I even hit the pillow.

I won't go into the details of the night, just know that it involved a release of tears I never knew I had (enough to fill the lake in front of the Johnson's two-story mansion), a nerve-wracking scream from atop of my roof and the commencement of that very weight of guilt, paired with a feeling of utter despair I wish to grant on no one else.