𝐌𝐘 𝐃𝐎𝐂𝐓𝐎𝐑

Chapter 31

"perfectly imperfect"

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I spent the rest of Saturday at Alexander's place. He explained to me chemistry which I am proud of myself that I understood. We cooked dinner and danced around the kitchen. We chatted and then I came back home.

It's Sunday morning and I just came from a run. I went to shover and made myself breakfast. I made a banana smoothie and two toasts with curd cheese and blueberry and strawberry. I sat down on the couch in the living room and played Suits.

The episode was going but I wasn't really listening or watching it. I was thinking about well everything. First of all what am I going to say to mom when one day I am going to bring home a dog. My mom hates dogs because she is allergic to them. She secretly loves them but doesn't want to admit it out loud.

I think if one day we would bring home a dog she would be the one that will play with it most of the time. She would name him and make him her new best thing in the house. But that would be okay if she'll be happy. I am happy.

Secondly, Arthur came to my mind. Sometimes I wonder why Lara talks to him. Don't get me wrong, before he burst out at me that he loves me and all that bullshit he pulled out in the mall, I actually liked him. He helped me with school stuff, homework and lots of projects but I always liked him as a friend.

And finally I thought about Alexander. With this man I never know where we are, what we do, what we talk about. He lives every day, every moment like it's the last.

I let myself feel around him. Be kind. Open up and talk. The only person I ever opened up to was my best friend. And now it was also him. My body feels alive every time I am around him. My skin burns with every touch. Before him not many things made me truly happy but when I see his big smile on his face and how flawless and honest it is, it also makes me smile and be happy. I am happy around him. I feel what I never felt. I like, no I love the way he watches me. No one has ever watched me so intensely. But what do I really feel for him?

When he is looking at me I feel like he won't ever leave me but I learned my lesson and I know it's not true. Maybe at this moment we are together, living our life but it will end. Sooner or later it will. Probably the way he is looking at me is the way he is also looking at any other girls, right?

'Honey, I'm home!' my mom screamed and pulled me out of my thoughts.

'Did you pick up the kids from school?' I screamed back and my mom came to me with a smile.

'Are you quoting me here Harvey and Jessica from Suits?' she asked, an amused look on her face. I shrugged.

'Maybe?' I laughed and so did she. I turned my head back to the TV and she walked around the couch and sat beside me. I laid my head on her lap. Her hand slowly caressed my hair. We were in calming silence watching Suits.

'Where have you been?' I asked her, breaking the silence. I looked up at her face. She sighed, still looking at the TV, not me.

'In a church' she said and I frowned.

'You haven't been there for a long time. What happened?' I asked her. We are christians and we go to church at least once a year now. Few years back every Sunday we were at church. I don't know what happened that made us stop. Made our parents stop taking us and I never wanted to know.

'I made a confession. We didn't do that in a long time and I felt like all my sins were holding me back. Keeping the future alive. Real' she said and finally looked at me. Her smile was tired, almost forced.

'I should go and do that too' I said and she nodded her head.

'I feel lighter. Happier'

'What was holding you back, mom?' I asked, genuinely wanting to know.

'All the secrets between me and your father. We sorted everything out now. Did you know that we almost got divorced? That's why we stopped going to church. At first we thought that God will help us but in a short time we realized that no one is going to help us and we are the ones that have to fix things. So me and your dad did that. We sat down like two adults and talked. He told me what he thinks and I told him. After that we kind of stopped believing in God because he wasn't the one sitting at the kitchen table with us and talking with us. Today I made a confession and found my faith again. I believe in him but not as hard as I did a few years back' she said and that really touched my heart.

'What is holding you back, Olivia?' she asked me. I turned around, not wanting to face her and look at the TV. Her hand was still caressing my hair.

'A guy' I said. When she didn't say anything I continued.

'I think we have a lot in common. But I don't know how I feel about him. I don't know where we stand. He is confusing you know? We talk but not about that' I said with a sigh.

'You know, sometimes you have to surprise the person at times that they don't expect you to be with them and that's how you figure things out' she said and I thought about it.

'Maybe you are right. I should surprise him. And I will. Thanks mom' I sat down and kissed her cheek. She stood up and walked away. On the way to the kitchen she turned her head to me.

'Say hi, to him from me and tell him he should come for dinner. It would be lovely to see Charles and the kids again' she said and I was shocked.

'How did you know I was talking about Alexander?' I asked but she made her way to the kitchen.

'Mom!' I screamed and jumped off of the couch and ran to her. How does she know?