Red | Sookai ✔

three: carmine

"Taehyun called again."

Red is passion. Red is anger. Red is the way Soobin's heart shatters at those three simple words.

It's not the fact that Taehyun called. Taehyun's been calling ever since Hueningkai left the outside world behind for a new universe. Beomgyu, too. It's the fact that Hueningkai stopped telling him about their futile, ignored calls long ago. It's the fact that if Hueningkai's telling him about it now, it means he answered.

Soobin lifts his head to stare at his boyfriend, panic building in his chest. Hueningkai doesn't look him in the eye.

"Hueningkai," Soobin manages to get out, voice cracking with every syllable. "You picked up?"

Remorse fractures Hueningkai's face into a thousand blood-stained facets. "I'm sorry." It's just that---he was my friend. Was. Was. Was. I promise. Please forgive me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm weak. I'm sorry. The words go unsaid, but they're written over every inch of his expression, a diamond heart stitched on his cotton sleeve.

(Neither of them have had friends in a long time. Soobin thinks that's for the best.)

Soobin can't help it---his emotions well up in the space beneath his ribs, a tidal wave of pain and insecurity. They'll all take you away from me! I know they will! How could you do this to me? "You promised." His words come out as a choked whimper, laced with dread and despair. "You promised you wouldn't talk to them anymore. Not to him. Especially not to him."

Hueningkai stares down at his bare feet, chestnut bangs falling into his eyes. Soobin wishes he could kiss every single strand of hair on Hueningkai's head and protect them from the cruel world. "I'm sorry, hyung."

Empty words, empty words, empty words---he'll just do it again and again and again and again and again and--- "You promised," is all Soobin can get out, and he hates crying in front of Hueningkai, hates it even more than the boys that look at his Hueningkai with lust in their eyes, but he can't help it, just can't help it---

"Hyung!" Just like that, Hueningkai is curled on the floor next to Soobin, wiping the hot tears from Soobin's cheeks with the bony pads of his fingertips. Soobin lets out a ragged sob, knees subconsciously folding themselves into his stomach in an attempt to get away from his boyfriend's traitorous touch---the same touch that releases butterflies in his belly and paints his vision scarlet and drives him absolutely mad with longing. "Hyung, I'm sorry. Soobin, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I won't do it again. I promise."

(Promises are meant to be broken.)

"Y-you---said you'd never talk to them again. You said you didn't need them. You said you only needed m-me," Soobin hiccups, chest heaving with the effort. "I-I-I don't want y-you to---"

His telltale heart, pounding out of his ribcage like rats nibbling through clay walls. His trembling hands, clutching at feelings that never seem to go away. Hueningkai's glassy, oak-wood eyes, guilt filling them to the brim.

Maybe Soobin's overreacting. Maybe maybe maybe maybe---

Soobin tries to pull himself together, one hand yanking himself into a sitting position. "I'm sorry. I know...t-they miss you." Maybe maybe maybe maybemaybemaybe---

Hueningkai tilts his chin defiantly, and Soobin loves the little streak of fire in him, how even when he's sickly and brittle and weathered, he's still so red---bright, burning red. "Well, I don't miss them."

(Soobin hoped he'd say that.)

Soobin leans against the back of the couch, quietly weaving all the envy-dyed threads of himself back into the tangled mess of his soul. And when Hueningkai lays his head in Soobin's lap, Soobin finds his wandering hands seeking out the light-doused strands of his boyfriend's beautiful hair. "What did Taehyun say?"

Hueningkai shuts his eyes, clement cinnamon fading into mottled milk. "Taehyun told me to leave you."

(He doesn't say it like the statement it is, but it feels like a punch to Soobin's gut anyway.)

He knows Taehyun's right. Taehyun's always been right, right from the very start, right from that fateful day in high school when he'd had his hand in the palm of the most beautiful boy Soobin had ever seen, and he'd said, Hey, this is my best friend, Hueningkai---

"I didn't finish the call. I broke my phone. Snapped it in half. I won't leave you, hyung."

Soobin tries to swallow. Chokes on another budding sob.

"You should."

"I don't want to."

You have to. I'm killing you. You have to leave me. Please don't leave me. You have to go. I don't want you to go. I hate you. I love you. "Please leave me!" Soobin's plea comes out as a scream, one that makes Hueningkai wince. He wants to scream louder. He wants to shatter his boyfriend's eardrums so he'll never be able to hear Soobin tell him he loves him ever again.

Hueningkai shoots him a rueful smile, and there's none of his usual sparkle in the curve of his lips or the line of his teeth. He sits up, walking his stick-thin fingers into Soobin's hand, blind love shining out of his dulled eyes like a starless sky. "I can't."

It hits him like a lightning bolt, shatters him like glass. Soobin squeezes until he hears his boyfriend's knuckles crack.

He's glad Hueningkai broke his phone.

(He'd have broken it for him anyway.)

❥

When they have sex that night, Soobin tells Hueningkai to be harder, faster, rougher. He tells him to fuck him until his grasping limbs have given way, tearing rifts in the dirty sheets on their way down. He tells him to fuck him until stars splatter his vision with sangria agony. He tells him to fuck him until every bone in his veins melts onto their bed in puddles of ivory and blood.

And when they're both done, Soobin rolls his aching body to the side of the mattress and cries. He doesn't let Hueningkai touch him, and he cries until he feels his boyfriend shaking too.

He knows Hueningkai feels guilty. He knows Hueningkai knows it's his own fault.