Emergency Medical Dad

LXIX: present, late november

JESSIE

 So, yeah, when Jorgen admitted that he didn't completely forget about me between high school and now I was caught a little off guard, watching him cook in the kitchen, cracking an egg with one hand, fixing us something to eat, then sliding the plate toward me like he didn't just say what he just did.

It's definitely a lot for me to handle, considering he never really left my mind since high school. It's not really that easy to go from loving someone like I did with him to being able to handle looking their kid in the eyes every day. He stuck around in my head like a bad taste would. Sometimes I would remember good things, but most of the time it was a reminder of how bad that decision was.

However, on the good days, I would remember how respectful he was about the whole thing, remember how good he really was to me, despite his situation, our situation, everything that was happening. He was a really respectful guy despite the drugs and despite his position and despite who I was to him.

So I guess I never really hated him, more just hated the decisions I made in relation to him. I could never really resent Jorgen.

But the fact that he never forgot about me, the fact that I altered the way he was able to have relationships, changed his life in a tiny way even when we hadn't seen each other in years? It wasn't something that I was expecting in the slightest.

"You said just a second ago that Ron thinks that I changed the way you were able to have relationships," I blink away from the document I'm reading, looking up at him. "What does that mean?"

He shrugs, looking down at what he's reading over his sandwich, "he goes on to say that I wasn't able to develop a relationship with someone that was any less than what you were to me. I have an odd memory of what was happening with us in high school and he said that it created a precedent for what I wanted in any relationship. You raised my standards very high."

"What... what are the standards?"

"Um," he looks up at me, eyes flickering over my face. "During our little spat, you were one of the only people in my life that just accepted I was like that. My parents wanted old me back, my friends wished I wasn't from the background I was from, kids from school didn't like that I had that privilege as well, it was a whole mess, but you in the middle of it, just saw me as who I was. None of you wanted to change any of me. It was a little safe spot for me. After I lost my leg it got worse, people really really didn't like who I was, what I looked like, all of that. I guess I just held you in my head thinking that if you were back in my life you'd be the same. You wouldn't care to change me, you'd see me as all of myself. If that makes sense."

"Oh," my mouth is a little dry.

"Where he says this changes things, though, is... gah, alright, this is weird to talk about with anyone but him. I had a sort of long term hookup with this girl about three years back, her name was Raja, she was a little odd, a senior at U of R, I was about two years older. She was my first anything after I lost my leg so there was a lot of territory there that I wasn't used to and she pressured me around. She wouldn't have known, I didn't act like I was uncomfortable, it's not something I'll ever blame her for. You get what I mean, yes?"

"Yeah," I nod, moving my fingers on his trackpad to keep the laptop awake.

"So it happened like that for, gosh, like six or so months? And it really was not good looking back on all of that, it kind of really messed with me but I ended it because I realized, honest to God, that I didn't need to stomach a relationship where she couldn't really look at me straight on because of my leg and she avoided putting her hands near my stomach because she was grossed out a little by the scar tissue there, and really all of it, but he basically says that the reason I was able to get out of that, because a lot of people would've stayed in it much longer than I did because it's incredibly addicting to have someone validate that you're still attractive after that long was because in the back of my head, you were perched up on my shoulder telling me that if I had gotten better before I could do it again. Reminding me that you... you loved me and my everything, not despite my everything."