Love me, London

forty-six

It felt like forever since the last time I saw everyone. I had, for the most part of the past couple of day days, been locked up in my room. So much time lost to inactivity. So much of my day-to-day routine looked and felt exactly the same. Every morning, I'd get up to have breakfast. A maid or Kitty sometime would bring in the food and tend to overstay their welcome. But I didn't mind it. Clearly, they must have felt sorry for me. I didn't talk much to anyone and neither did anyone was allowed to talk to me. The securities guarding front of my room had been doubled. Thanks to my ex-husband. The most I could do was going for a walk once a day in the garden and that was about it.

Convinced by nearly everyone that what Liam was doing was all in my best interest and for my own safety, I couldn't agree less. With a lot more free time in hands, and much less space to move around, I became more stressed than ever or to be accurate, anxious and angry. I was overthinking so much that my thoughts became poisonous. I got sick almost every day due to stress and almost every time right after I sat down for a big meal. I would throw up, bad. Had a stomachache habitually and lost my appetite even though I hadn't been eating at all.

Curling up in a ball on my side, knees tight to my chest, I was trying to get some rest while Kitty helped rubbing my back and telling me everything would be okay. I had just finished another round of throwing up bits of the sandwich she forced me to have for supper. Nothing was feeling right.

"That tuna sandwich was a bad idea." I groaned, rolling over to lay on my back so I could get a better look of Kitty's guilty face.

"Not eating anything at all for the whole day was a bad idea, London." Kitty corrected, "You probably get this sick because your stomach isn't used to digesting food now."

"That doesn't make any senses." Her reasoning made me laugh. It always does. It was one of the many reasons as to why I insisted on her staying around. She made me forget for a moment just how serious this whole situation I was in. She reminded me so much of Giovanna. But a lot less outspoken, and wasn't the type that would get me into a lot of trouble.

"Are you sure you don't want me to spend the night?" Kitty asked while she brushed her hair out of her face and slowly slid out of bed.

I shook my head, sighing, "It doesn't matter. I wouldn't be able to sleep anyways and I don't want to keep you up."

"Are you sure?" I nodded.

That, and also I didn't want her to see me crying myself to sleep like a helpless child after everything I said to Liam.

Believe it or not. I wasn't quite sure anymore if what I did was the right thing to do. Just after the angry outburst and the fire in me died up, it seemed my whole understanding of us was thrown into disarray. I didn't know how and couldn't tell when exactly Liam was going to call it off with me. I just know now that the idea of not having him in my life anymore scared me more than anything. My life had changed a lot since we met. Sad or happy. He became a part of the reason I looked forward to waking up every morning. I used to not have purpose until I had him. He made my life lively and that feeling; it was addicting.

My mind was completely oblige to the idea of us being without one another. Honestly speaking, we both were toxic. But even so, I wasn't sure my heart was yet ready to let go. Every time I heard a knocking at the door, I still wished it was him. It never was. He never came.

And, I don't think he will ever again this time.

Kitty ended up staying for another hour. She made sure I was all comfortable and tucked in bed before she begged me to stop overthinking unnecessary thoughts as she would usually do every night before she went back to her and Pedro's room. Honestly, I didn't understand why she persisted still when clearly the only thing she could have done to help me out was to get her boyfriend's brother to speak.