Nightingale

fifty-six

December 18th, 2020

Dear Birdie,

It's been 5 years, how has it been so long yet it feels so short? It feels like it's only been weeks since you've passed, sometimes it doesn't even feel real.

You know, things aren't the same when you're not around. Things don't look the same, feel the same either. I loved the perspective you gave me, the perspective you made me see, though I wish I had noticed it sooner. I wish I hadn't noticed it until after you died. Everything just seemed a little bit brighter when you were around. You showed me colors that I never thought I'd see.

Now though, I have to learn to find my own colors and it's really hard to do without you. You know I cried the other day, it might seem really stupid but I was painting mine and Harry's new living room, I told you we got a house, right? Anyways while I was painting the living room a light gray, the color reminding me of your hair, I realized I couldn't remember what you sounded like. I tried and tried and tried to remember but it just wasn't there. I guess that's what happens when you haven't heard a person's voice in 5 years, pieces of them start to fade away from your memory. I was so angry with myself that I couldn't remember that I broke down. I don't remember if my cry's were loud but they had to be because next thing I know both Harry and Callie were right next to me, trying to calm me down, whisper that it was okay and to let it all out. I'm pretty sure my sudden outburst terrified the both of them.

I miss you every day, that I know will never change but I thought maybe the pain that comes with missing you would fade away just like your voice did. I've been wrong about a lot of things before so I shouldn't be surprised that I was wrong about that too. I feel like I'm losing you all over again and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to handle that.

But enough with the sad shit, I know you don't like it when I'm sad but I just wanted you to know that it's hard to let go of you. You are probably wondering what's new, well a lot of things. Our house is coming along nicely. We got started on renovating and changing things at the beginning of this month but I keep changing my mind on things. I think I'm starting to drive Harry insane at this point because we've repainted the living room and our room like 3 times, I just didn't like any of the colors. I guess I'm just trying to get as much done before christmas because I was thinking we could have christmas there though we'd probably be eating off our laps since the only furniture we have is a turquoise velvet couch. I think I also just want to create as many happy memories as I can right now with what's been going on. Callie has been getting followed home from work, Gemma got followed all the way to the grocery store and back, I'm starting to get scared to leave the house in fear of what may happen and Harry is about to leave with all of the boys for work.

I guess you could say things are bad again. Brent has been sending men to follow all of us and Deaclan hasn't returned any of my calls. I know he's strong and can handle things on his own but I'm worried that something may have happened to him, specifically his brother. I hate feeling that impending doom creeping around the corner again but I knew this wasn't over, we all knew.

I don't want to be scared again, I hate being scared of the unknown but I have no other choice. I tried to get Harry to stay here but I knew he couldn't, there are things he must do and his job is one of them. His bags are all packed, his passport is in hand. He has Frank staying here while he's gone, he's going back to London for this job. I know we will survive because I'll be damned if we don't. I'll be very pissed off if one, I don't get to marry the fuck out of Harry, two, if anything happens to Callie or her baby and three, if we don't get the happily ever after we all deserve.

I know happily ever afters are for fairytales but we deserve all the happiness in the world and I mean real happiness; true happiness. The kind of happiness that makes our hearts fill with warmth and we deserve to feel what it feels like to be okay. To feel like the world isn't against us. To feel like we aren't constantly treading water just to keep from drowning. More than anything, we deserve to be okay. We'll be alright as Harry would say.