✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

63. A Little Comfort

"Something wrong, baby?" Gabby's words almost made Tess jump again. She was so wrapped up in her own thoughts, desperately looking for a way to deny that she'd just wet herself, that she hadn't even been paying attention to the room around her. Perhaps that was how she'd managed to get startled so easily.

"No, no," she mumbled, forcing herself to relax. She told herself that she was still wearing a diaper. It was heavier now, and warmer, but there was no way Gabby could know that. If Tess just sat back and ate normally, there was no way the grown-up would know about her accident. She tapped her phone instead, silencing the alarm. "Just my alarm. Startled me, it doesn't normally go off when I'm down here."

She let her legs part a little, and tried to ignore the warmth down there. Now she was eating normally, but nerves made it harder to focus. More than once she dropped a bit of egg back onto her plate as she did her best to look normal, but she was sure it wouldn't be that obvious.

"So long as you're not stressed, baby. Did you sleep well last night? All dry in the morning?"

"Yep, nothing to worry about." Tess was sure that she would have started blushing, or said the wrong thing. Or that her expression or tone would have told Gabby she was lying. But she shoved another forkful of egg in her mouth and started chewing, and hoped that would make it just a bit easier to hide the lie.

"You know, after we did that weekend as little kids..." Gabby mumbled for a moment, like she was the embarrassed one. "Any time you act like a baby, it makes you feel a little bit like a baby as well. Remember? And I think you're feeling a little bit younger now. Did you maybe play with some of the toys in your room before getting up, just so you're not worrying so much about your plans for the day? Because I can tell you're feeling just a little bit smaller."

Tess chewed her food slowly, putting off the need to reply for a couple of seconds. She hadn't thought about that. Was she talking in baby talk or something? Or lisping like a little kid? She wouldn't even know. But there was something Gabby could see, and that meant she couldn't lie anymore. Or perhaps she could; if she only wanted to feel like she was still in control.

"Maaaaybe," she mumbled, and then laughed a little. Yes, her voice did sound like a little kid. But she didn't need to be ashamed of that, so long as she could hide the reason. "I got some of the Dookbros on my bed. Like different colour plushies. Just 'cause there's nowhere else to put them. And I might have snuggled them a little bit when I got up, just to relax. That doesn't make me a baby."

"No, it doesn't. Just so long as you know, if you need help to cope with something, you could bring your problem to me as well. I'll do my best to sort it out. Okay, baby?"

Tess nodded, and carried on eating in silence. She didn't want to embarrass herself anymore, and she knew that if she was acting like a child, it would be harder to avoid admitting that she'd just wet herself. She needed to keep that detail to herself, so she wouldn't talk for a bit. And it wasn't too hard; her breakfast was really nice. And as much as she didn't want to admit it, she didn't hate the feeling of a wet diaper either. It was warm against her skin, and surprisingly comfortable. She could put up with that for just a few minutes until she got changed. Gabby filled the silence by talking. She already knew about tonight's totally-not-a-date, and she had so much advice to give. Tess listened, but found herself dismissing most of it. By the time the grown-up cousin finished talking, Tess didn't even remember some of the things she had said.

"Am I talking like normal now?" Tess asked, as she pushed the empty plate away.

"Not quite yet. Still my sweet little baby girl. But I'm sure you'll be back to normal by the time you get to school. Your friends would never notice anyway, if they don't know about little headspace. It's not an obvious thing. And I'm sure you know by now that you're more comfortable with that headspace. It makes anything that could worry you go away for a few minutes, and they say that can be really good for your mental health. Helping you be a happy baby."

"Head space?" Tess asked, puzzled.

"It's a thing some people have. A different way to behave, so you can feel calmer and enjoy yourself. Like an island of calm in the middle of your mind. Here, try this."

Gabby had been walking around the kitchen, tidying as she talked. So Tess had to turn her head to see which drawer her cousin was opening. She was already opening her mouth to ask "What?", but before she could make a sound she felt something between her lips. Her first thought was some kind of surprise snack, and she closed her mouth automatically. But she could feel something soft and tough there, not sweet, and the feel of plastic touching her face. She tried to look down, but there was nothing visible except for Gabby's hand moving away again.

"Good girl," Gabby said with a smile. "Ffrances has a few. She says some people use them for stress relief, because sucking something is naturally relaxing. Something to do with the way the muscles are wired up in your brain. But if it helps you to feel little, it could be a way to control your headspace. Keep on sucking, keep on relaxing, and you don't need those grown-up worries. And then when you're ready to go out, you can take it out. A clear signal to your brain. A physical thing to let you know that you should be in your headspace, so that you can chose when to end it instead of just waiting."

Tess nodded. Her brain felt just a little cloudy, like it was hard to understand some of the big words. But that didn't matter, because she knew she would understand it later. So she allowed herself to suck the mysterious object, trying to place a taste that seemed somehow familiar. And she found that it did really feel relaxing. That was bound to be a good thing as she got ready for school.

Ten minutes later, by which time Gabby had already gone, Tess thought that this headspace might be slowing down her big girl thoughts more than she realised. She had taken her diaper off, dressed up in her school uniform, and made sure that everything she needed was in her bag. All the things she needed to do in the morning. But it wasn't until she went into the bathroom to brush her teeth that she glanced in the mirror and recognised that she was sucking on a pacifier. It was pink, and had a cartoon bunny design on the back. But once she pulled it out, she realised that it couldn't be a baby thing. The rubber bit was just about the right size for Tess's mouth, so it would surely be way too big for a real baby. This was a grown-up thing, then. Something that Ffrances could give her patients when they were thinking about bad things a bit too much.

Tess would have been mortified if anyone else had seen her. But at home, in private? There was nothing wrong with something that helped her to relax. There was no shame in sucking on her pacifier a little more, not just until she got to the door.