Madame Williams ( teacherxstudent )

72

LOU'S POV:

"Bullshit! Just that. Bullshit." I sighed.

A week went by since I stormed out of Diane's car. A week since I had been ignoring her texts, not opening the front door to her and just trying to meditate the pros and cons.

Elliot just stared at me like I was crazy.

"What?" I raised an eyebrow at him.

He sighed, "I think you're both in places where you shouldn't be in a relationship."

Of course I ended up talking all my shit to my therapist, and telling him of the woman that drove me insane (AKA. Diane).

"Huh?"

"Your girlfriend... she's not in a place to focus on bringing happiness to you, and as much as you try she can't receive the happiness you want to bring her."

I shook my head, "But we love each other."

"That doesn't mean that you have to be in a relationship when you're both clearly not working things out."

"But..."

Elliot just gave me a glance. One of those looks that says: think about it.

... and I thought about it.

And I hated the thought of breaking up with her.

After a while I understood why she didn't tell me she was quitting. That little hidden secret was supposed to be a surprise and that's just what surprises are, right?

But I still had the whole bar issue in my mind.

So I was either breaking up with Diane or ignoring her until I felt like I wasn't mad anymore.

But I couldn't forget the feeling in my chest when I realized she had lied to me to go drink with some woman.

It was heartbreaking somehow. Just thinking that the trust I had built in her was slowly breaking and breaking.

As much as I tried to built a wall around it, I couldn't.

I couldn't just let her get over with.

*

I let out a breath as I watched her approach. Seeing her did things to me, I could feel my heart clench to the thought of how complex things had become.

The smell of wet grass invaded my nostrils. It was chilly and there was a damn cold breeze, I should have thought twice about asking to meet her in a park, early in the morning, while we're most likely to freeze.

"Hey." I greeted. I watched her sit down next to me.

"Hey." She replied, her voice sounded small but happy too. As if she had missed me. "I missed your voice." Diane said before she lighted a cigarette.

I gulped. There was a lot of silence. I could hear her take a drag of her cigarette, I could hear her breath and watch her from the corner of my eye as she brushed a tear off her cheek and tried to act like that never happened.

"Dee. We're so fucked up." I looked down to my lap, afraid of meeting her eyes.

"I know. I'm fucked up." She took a deep breath, "Let me make it up to you, please. Anything you want me to do, I'll do it."

"No. You... you can't do that." I finally looked up to meet her eyes.

I knew those puppy eyes all too well, "Please, let me try."

"No." I sighed.

"Why not?"

"Because you'll never be able to turn back in time and say the truth instead of making up your little white lies."

Silence. She took another drag of her cigarette, nodded her head and looked away. She knew how bad she had messed up.

"I'm sorry, but... but I need to seek what's best for me." I said.

Silence again.

A part of me told me to be selfish finally and let her go, meanwhile I also wanted nothing but to forgive her. I wanted to run back into her arms and let her hurt me a thousand more times.

"I love you. I've never... felt this way for anyone else before. You know that. Hell, you're my favorite person. But I'm so worried all the time, and I'm so sick of your lies. I just want to trust you but I can't bring myself to do that." I said, my brows furrowing while my throat hurt from trying to hold the crying.

"Give me time. Please." Diane said, cupping my cheek.

Her eyes were shiny and hopeful, but I knew I couldn't fall again.

"I can't." Was all I could possibly say.

*

I cried myself to sleep that night. After all I had said goodbye to the one person that made me want to stay alive, but at the same time I felt like I was doing myself a favor. A big one.

It was time I didn't get used to receiving the bare minimum, and if Diane wanted me back, she was going to work her ass off for me. She wasn't going to keep playing those childish mind games with me and be able to guarantee that we could be together and be healthy, not toxic.

Nicole had called, three times. Probably wondering how I was doing, since she must have found out from Sarah.

I wanted to call, to hear her say that things would get better for me, that I should keep my chin up. But I couldn't bear to even talk about the topic. If only thinking of Diane made me hurt, imagine what it would be speaking about it out loud: it would shatter me.

*

I know, short, sad AND late chapter?! wtf... well, I have something planned starting on chapter 74...