52| London

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Okay, heads up.

I sobbed while writing this chap because it hit a bit too close to home.

So if you feel like you can relate, please talk to someone you trust. And if there's no one you trust, talk to me. I'll always be there for you.

Because every life is worth living.

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!!!!TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal thoughts!!!!!!!!!

I never came back to London after Diana and I moved to New York City six years ago. For some reason I associated London with all the bad things that had happened. All this time that I spent there, my family was grieving me. How could any of my memories here be good?

Aside from my best friends, Tracy and Morgan, I couldn't remember a happy memory. There were, I knew there were, but all of those memories were with Diana. She wasn't a horrible mother, except for her weird beauty standards and diets. In her own sick way, she had loved me and enjoyed spending fifteen years with me.

I felt guilty to admit the same.

I loved Diana, she was my mother. We'd watched romcoms together every Sunday night or go have our nails done. She was always there for me when I got hurt or when I got in trouble with friends.

I had happy memories with her that I've been trying to shove down into a far corner of my brain. But every now and then, they reappeared and I felt so much guilt.

She had only raised me to marry me off. What did those moments even mean to her? Did she pity me? Did she feel like she had to give me a happy childhood because the rest of my life would suck?

Being back in London worsened my mental state. I could feel myself slipping into a very dark hole that I may never get back out off.

I was trying to hang onto something, but there was nothing.

Because I've just made the worst realisation of my life.

"What's the difference between a life with Ronan and a life as a Cassano? I'm not free in either scenarios." I muttered.

We were sitting on a bench in Hyde Park. It was early in the afternoon but it was busy. No one could stay away from one of the few green spots in the city. Hyde Park was always popular.

Nicolas looked at me and Nestor stopped taking pictures. He seemed to love the scenery and probably wanted to paint it.

"I'm sorry, Elena." Nicolas apologised.

Out of all my brothers, he's been the one I could lean on. I know how often he called Hector to make him change his mind. He was trying so hard to help me and I felt ashamed that he even had to.

"I can't even imagine what it would be like if someone kept me away from Nico." Nestor sighed.

Tears filled my eyes and they numbly fell down my cheeks. I don't know why I'm crying because I couldn't even feel anything anymore. I felt hollow inside.

"It's not even only about Alexander. I just can't live like this anymore. I came here to try and remember what it was like to have some freedom, but then I remembered that I never had it."

Nicolas tightened his arm around me while Nestor looked for a napkin in his large tote bag.

"From the day I was born, people have been deciding over my life as if it was theirs."

First it was Dimitri Petrov who decided to use me as a breeding machine for his son. Now it was my own brother who wanted me to live the way he wanted me to live.

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