With love Emma

Chapter 17

A day before the wedding all the guests arrived, so did the extra nursemaids. Emma's help was no longer needed. The maids wouldn't let her take care of Bill and took him away to the nursery.

Emma was just playing mother for two days but she missed him terribly. She never thought of becoming a mother. But taking care of Bill opened a door within her that she never knew existed. She had been so busy that there was no time to stay drowned in melancholy. Every waking moment was filled with Bill.

For once in the past nine months, she didn't have to cry herself to sleep. She didn't have to pretend to be happy. She was happy, Bill made her happy.

'Wait till you have kids of your own,' Lady Smith's words kept echoing in her head. That future will never be hers. She tried her best to keep it together. She can't break now, not in front of so many people.

There was a formal dinner and a ball that evening. The wedding was the following day. Emma had Mary prepare a hot bath. Even if everything failed, a hot bath never failed to make her feel better. But for once the hot bath did nothing to soothe her wounded heart. She tried to occupy her mind with a book, but all she could see was the sleepy puckered face of Bill.

Mary was curling Emma's hair with hot tongs. Mary usually talked non-stop when she worked, which Emma always found a welcoming distraction.

'Your Grace, what would you like to wear today? Mrs. Dennis has packed four dresses.'

'Four for one evening?' Emma asked incredulously.

'She asked me to spy on what the other duchesses are wearing and select the grandest of them all.'

'I have no idea what Mrs. Dennis is trying. The duchesses always have grand dresses and latest fashion accessories.'

'You don't have to worry about that.'

'Why not! Don't tell me you spied on their accessories as well!'

'No, Your Grace. Lady Paulen gifted you a fan remember, it's exclusive! Only two fans like that are available in the whole kingdom. You own one, while the other is owned by Princess Charlotte. You will be the talk of the evening today.'

'Not me, but my fan.'

'All the same, Your Grace will be the talk of the evening.'

'Mary, it's Frances' wedding! Not mine.'

'All the same, Your Grace.'

Emma went into the closet to choose a dress. She couldn't care less about making her looks win amongst the other duchesses, for she will never have what they have. She will never be a real wife, never a mother.

Emma tried to put a lid on her emotions, but the tightness in her throat and heart never eased. She saw a little kerchief that she used to wipe Bill's mouth after feeding him. It was lying in a corner along with the spilt box of her ribbons that she sacrificed to entertain him.

That did it, the pieces of her heart she was desperately trying to hold together crumbled.

Emma clutched the kerchief to her heart as tears pooled her eyes. She cried for her; for being an unwanted wife; for a child she could never have.

Mary found Emma curled up like a ball lying on the floor of the dressing room.

'Your Grace!' she cried in shock.

'I will never have Bill, never mine,' Emma kept repeating.

Emma was so far gone in her own misery to care what gossip it would stir. Maids always knew what happened in the household. Mary and everyone in the Advent House knew she and Lord Advent were husband and wife in name only.

'It will get better,' Mary kept repeating, patting her.

There was a knock on the door and Lord Advent entered.

'Mrs. Dennis requested me to wear a cravat matching -' he stopped talking as he took in the scene in front of him.

'What happened?' he asked urgently, rushing to Emma's side.

Emma wiped her eyes and got up, 'I am sorry you had to see me so. I will be wearing the blue one.'

She wanted to end the conversation quickly and be alone.

'Mary, leave us' Lord Advent commanded. Mary left immediately.

'Are you alright?'

Emma shook her head and turned away, not facing him.

'Please tell me what's bothering you.'

'Nothing that Your Grace needs to worry about. Sorry for troubling you. I will meet you at the entrance by seven.'

'How can I not worry when you are crying like this? You are my -'

'Don't tell me I'm your wife,' she snapped. 'We both know I am nothing but a ruined girl you were forced to marry.'

'Mis...' he started, but corrected himself, 'Emma you were never ruined.'

'But never your wife either. Please leave me,' she sobbed.

He placed his hand on her shoulders, 'Emma, please tell me. Tell me what to do.'

'Please stop being kind to me. You are making it very difficult.'

'Emma,' he half-groaned and half-pleaded.

'Please leave. I am not at my best now. I don't want to fight. Please, I want to be alone.'

Emma didn't have to turn to know Lord Advent left. It was twice as painful. She undressed and climbed into the bath again. It was cold, but she didn't feel anything. When you are numb inside nothing outside matters.

Mary helped her get dressed, without a word.

Emma met Lord Advent at the entrance to the dining hall. He offered her his hand. She put on a happy face. Lord Advent kept eyeing her, which made things twice as hard. They danced their customary first dance and she left for her chambers.

The bed still smelled of Bill. That bought out fresh tears. She never imagined a fairytale love life, nor did she want to be a mother. But now, not having both was killing her.

Someone hugged her from behind, she shrieked in fear.

'Shhh! Emma, it's me,' replied Lord Advent.