words don't come that easy.

x

23.01.22
19:30

i'm asleep even when i am awake, even when i am unloveable, actually, especially then. my rage is born out of my delusions, i can't help but be succumbed to the insanity. i roam through the endless piles of laundry and stress scattered all around, see in hues of grays and blues, sometimes reds. i don't know what to touch anymore, everything seems foreign and therefore dreadful and i can't help but think that i will never adapt to it. so i become prey to my daydreams, i let them devour the last bits of my energy. convince me that nothing is real, including the pain, especially the pain because that's what i dread the most.

still, i clench my teeth into reality. i turn my life into a ritual, a prayer that everything will be okay. i cling onto the peaceful nights, the satisfying mornings, the ever-fleeting pleasures, and the unshakable hopes. i let my eyes sleep without me now, i hide myself in fiction, sexuality, & self-awareness... candlelight & scents of bubblegum and fleshly washed hair, endless tea, a lot of poetry, and even more love. sometimes existence is too much. there will never be time when i won't want to leave. i still see dreams at night and they are most idyllic. will always haunt the fantasy or perhaps, it will always haunt me. i long for death endless rest.