Phoenix | S.R.

Ch. 5 | Foreknowledge

Summary: Reader gets her answer, and shares it with family.

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It had been a week since that fateful midday conversation. That day, however simple in scope, felt like it had changed everything. No longer could I pretend that the problem didn't exist, no matter how badly I wanted to. Each night, I would clench my eyes shut tight enough to see stars and I wished on every single one to let me rest.

It had been a week, and it was time for me to face the music. Or, more accurately, the phlebotomist. She had been kind and warm, but I was in no place to receive either mercy. The lab felt just as cold and dreary as everywhere else as of late.

I thought, or at least hoped, that I would be able to accept the possibility of being pregnant if I'd given myself enough time. But honestly, I'd just become more confused. Because there was no right answer. If it was positive, I had to figure out how to raise a child without their father. A child that would forever remind me of what I lost. A child I might not ever understand the way he would have.

If it was negative... then I would have to accept the death of everything that was left of Spencer Reid.

I tried not to hope for a result either way because I was dreadfully aware of how painful it is for things to not end up the way you expect them to. But it was hard. I found myself cradling my own stomach, still the same size as a few weeks before, and trying to delude myself into believing I could feel something different.

The wait for the phone call was driving me insane. So, I followed the example of famous romance protagonists and I took a walk. At first, I chose simple, neutral places. But as the day drew on, I found myself drawn to the places he used to frequent.

I got a drink from the cafe he would visit on his days off, but I didn't loiter. Sipping the much too sweet beverage, I passed by the book shop where he would pester the poor high school student workers just trying to make a little extra money. He was still their favorite customer.

Spencer had a way about him, after all. Even if you wanted to hate him, he was just so... Soft. Charming. Silly. Cute. I could come up with a million words to describe the way he'd made me feel, but it would never be enough. He would always know more. Not that he was ever against sharing that knowledge if anyone had been kind enough to listen.

My wandering thoughts and feet could only lead me to one place; a quaint little park filled with kids and adults alike crowded around a couple of chess boards.

I used to make fun of Spencer when he came here. I would tease him relentlessly for being the president of the chess club even decades after he'd left public school. He would feign offense, but I saw something proud among his bashful blushing. He'd always asked me to tag along, but the truth was that I was petrified of him realizing that I wouldn't belong among his things.

I made fun of him for coming, and now I paid the price. I would've given anything to find him there.

And that was why it was there that I would wait until I learned the truth. I would find out whether or not Spencer had given me one more gift before he departed, there, in one of his favorite places.

Of course, after a few moments of being there I was forced to confront the memory of how much he loved being around children. I could almost hear him gushing about how badly he had wanted some of his own one day. I could imagine the way his face would light up and his voice would soften into something brand new.

What a cruel twist of fate it would be, for me to have his child just for him to not be able to see it.

Would that be better than none at all?