Unrequited [HSS #4, Completed]

Chapter 28

Dahan-dahan akong bumangon nang masigurado kong natutulog na si South at ang kambal.

Nagsumiksik sila rito sa kwarto ko matapos marinig na nag-aaway ang magulang namin. Lahat silang tatlo ay umiiyak, hindi ko naman sila matiis kaya hinayaan ko na rin.

I did tell Mama that I'll be the most understanding and the kindest for my sisters. They need me, because our mother was too disturbed to think about us.

She's too broken. Too sad. Too lost.

I don't think she's forgotten us, she's just clouded with pain. I can't blame her.

Maybe my light wasn't enough to shelter her, but it's enough for my siblings because they're still too small. South was only twelve, too young to understand what's happening, but too old not to feel na may mali. The twins were too young as well, I feel bad that they have to see this.

I can't protect them entirely from the pain, but at least I can be with them. No matter what.

Napaupo ako sa gilid nang kama matapos kong ayusin ang higaan pati na rin ang pagkakakuwesto nila.

My heart felt so heavy, it hurts. I don't like this kind of pain, I can't pull out my heart to stop it, or kill it, just so I'll stop feeling.

Nasusuka ako. I was having this sensation again. Was I anxious? Pinagmasdan ko ang mga kamay ko na parehas nanginginig. My eyes were blurry ─ no'n ko lang napansin na umiiyak ako. Pinunasan ko ang pisngi at dumiretso sa banyo.

Ayokong makita nilang mahina ang Ate nila.

But I do feel weak and useless. If I was just old enough, iaalis ko na lang sila sa pamamahay na ito. O kaya kahit mapaalis ko na lang nang tuluyan si Dad, kahit si Mama na lang ang maiwan.

If I was just old enough, if only I have enough money to sustain them. So useless. Why was I still in college? Bakit ba hindi na lang ako maka-graduate kaagad? I have savings but it won't last.

Tumingin ako sa salamin at pinagmasdan ang repleksyon ko. I started vomiting on the sink. My throat stings, my heart burns. My stomach felt awful. I don't like this. I don't like this.

I need to calm down.

Nagpalipas ako ng ilang minuto. Nang masiguradong ayos na ay nagmumog ako at naghilamos. Muli kong tiningnan ang sarili ko and there ─ a version of myself I can't recognize.

She was smiling at me. It's a smile I practiced for a long time. So every time, people won't wonder if there's something wrong.

It's both a curse and a blessing. I just want to hide my pain, but people started telling me that I don't have any flaws, that I've become too ideal.

Pero malayong-malayo ako sa iniisip nila.

Hindi nila nakikita itong side na 'to. My cold and trembling hands, my ragged breath, the pressure, the need to strive.

This kind of me, fading...and how much I was having a hard time remembering that I can't forget this version of myself.

I wanted to grow up quickly, and take away Mama and my sisters from all this pain. I wanted to let go of this child in me.

I wanted to be someone they can lean on to, that it's okay to be vulnerable because I'll be here to protect them.

Hinubad ko ang pantaas na damit at tinitigan ang sarili sa salamin. I slowly took off my brassiere. I traced all the scars I made to myself ─ some scars were deep, others were shallow, some scars were short, it differed from one another.

Nagsimula ako sa subok lang dati, I just tried hurting myself, just aiming to compare which hurts more ─ the wound I feel inside, or the one I'll get on my skin.

Hurting myself stings, but it repels the pain I have inside. It feels... therapeutic. At alam ko na hindi maganda iyon. Alam ko kung ano itong ginagawa ko.

The scars don't look beautiful, but it's enticing ─ at least that's how it's like to me. Kinapa ko ang damdamin kung may nararamdaman ba akong regret pero wala.

This feels so right. When I can't breathe, I open my skin. When my heart feels heavy, I make myself bleed. Then I'll feel light.

It could be an illusion, but it's the unreality I was willing to grab. Kahit saglit lang.

Halos mapatalon ako sa gulat nang biglang bumukas ang pinto. Shit ─

"Ate North..."

Para akong naubusan ng kulay nang makita si South na nakatitig sa akin. Walang bakas ng antok sa mga mata nito. Prente lang na nakatitig ang asul niyang mata sa mga mata ko. Parang wala itong nakikitang iba.

My sister took a step forward. Pinanood lo lang siya nang kunin niya ang damit ko at baliwalang itinakip sa harap ko. No'n siya yumakap.

Para akong maiiyak sa ginawa niya.

"O-okay ka lang ba, South?"

"Okay ka lang ba, Ate North?"

Hindi ako makasagot, ni pagtango ay hindi ko magawa. Niyakap ko lang siya pabalik ng mahigpit. I feel more naked, getting asked like that.

Pagkatapos ng yakap ay kaagad akong nagbihis. Iginiya ko siya pabalik sa kama at pinahiga sa tabi ng kambal. Wala naman siyang imik na sumunod. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin.

"Gusto mong patayin ko yung ilaw?" tanong ko. Tumango naman siya. Hinalikan ko siya sa noo, pati na rin sina East at West na mukhang nasa kailaliman na ng pagtulog. "Pupuntahan ko lang din sina Mama."

"Bakit?"

"Just to make sure they're fine."

"Hmm, okay."

"And, South, don't tell anyone what you saw. Please?"

Tumango siya. Bahagya siyang bumangon at humalik sa noo ko. "Good night."

"Good night."

Tumayo na ako at pinatay ang ilaw bago tuluyang lumabas. Tahimik lang akong naglalakad hanggang makaabot sa living room. My mother was nowhere to be found, she's probably in the cellar or in the kitchen.

Sakto naman na naabutan ko si Dad na mukhang aalis na naman kahit gabing-gabi na. He looked...awful. Tumingin siya sa akin pero baliwalang nag-iwas ng tingin.

"Dad." Tawag ko pero tuloy lang ito sa paglalakad. Binuksan na niya ang pinto, nagbabalak lumabas. "Dad."

"Yes, 'nak?"

I cringed with the way he called me, but I didn't show it. "Where are you going?"

Hindi siya sumagot. I felt my patience running thin. Pakiramdam ko ay sasabog ako kung wala akong sasabihin, o kung wala akong maririnig sa kanya.

"Dad, hiwalayan mo na si Mama."

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