For the first few months, life was fun, bees were buzzing, and birds were singing. There were no sleepless nights, no mental breakdowns, and no intrusive thoughts. Elliott really seemed to help me, even if he himself didn’t know it. Just his aura made my heart jump, I relied on him, he relied on me. That’s how we worked, we didn’t let each other down, we didn’t keep secrets, we were open and proud of each other. He helped me love. He helped me feel loved. He helped me out of that dark gutter I was once stuck in, not minding the world that was seemingly crumbling around us. He was, and will forever be perfect, he will forever be in my heart. I knew at this moment that I well and truly loved him.
Grey clouds encased the grey skies, how could anything survive here, how have I survived here? There were no bees buzzing, there were no birds singing. I hadn't slept in days, it seemed like years since sleep was last my friend, if it ever was. I glance around my room, the disaster that was last night. Haha, so much for no more mental breakdowns, so much for no intrusive thoughts. My life is just this humorous show, entertainment for people to break me, a laugh. After everything he did, I still relied on him, I was the one in the wrong, not him. I should have just listened, yeah, that’s the one. I deserved those fatal nights in September, I never deserved him, perfection, popular, and just downright amazing. I was kidding myself thinking he would fall for someone like me, a nerdy guy, no friends, I was an easy target and I just wished I had realized.
The darkness in my room had swallowed me whole, the brightness in my life had left, left for a prettier, smarter, better guy. A sea of tissues surrounds our- my bed, encasing within mucus, blood or both, containing the horrors of last night. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything anymore,
- Motivation GONE
- Self-love GONE
- Appreciation GONE
- Happiness GONE
- Life GONE (almost)
Well, I guess that was my final step, insecurity was always going to get the better of me, I knew that since the start. The countless, ‘it will get better's from friends, family and therapists echoing in my head. Gathering all my strength, I push my body up, weak from the lack of food and water. Carrying myself to the bathroom, I see a stranger in the reflection or the mirror. Pale-faced, bags under eyes,
red eyes from crying. That’s why he left, nothing else, it was ME. I look in the mirror as tears roll
down my face
I’m a disgrace
I deserved what Elliott did to me
I deserved everything, including the
concurrent events.
Pulling myself away from the mirror, a bottle of melatonin becomes clear in my view, only a few minutes later and I would be gone. Gone from the pain. Gone from the insecurity. Gone from It was a perfect idea. Pills in my hand. Pills in my mouth. Pills in my pitiful body. Alas, it's over. One last look over my pitiful body as it turns dark.
I would no longer hear bees buzz or birds sing, I would no longer have sleepless nights. I would no longer have mental breakdowns; I would no longer have intrusive thoughts. Elliott still helped, he helped me end this how it should have. Of course, I still love him forever, but maybe for some people, forever isn’t that long, not that long at all...
