Unrequited [HSS #4, Completed]

Chapter 31

I think it won't be that bad if I'll be happy.

Masaya naman ako na kasama ko si Mama at mga kapatid ko. I have friends, I'm doing great at school ─ I didn't join the student government unlike noong highschool ako but I was fine with whatever I was doing right now.

I still don't like studying that much but I make sure I stay in rank every semester.

I was happy, but not happy. I wasn't sure but something felt lacking. I was happy but there's a huge part in me that felt empty.

Most of the time whenever I am alone, there's a void inside me pulling me in and I don't know how to get out. It's numbing but painful, it's making my head blank but it's making me overthink as well. The emptiness was not completely nothing, it's too...much, it's unbearable. It's stealing the light out of me.

Kapag sinasaktan ko ang sarili ko, hindi ko maiwasan mapaisip ─ what if I just stab myself instead? If I pull out my heart, can I still survive?

I didn't want to die, I just wanted to disappear. Was I making any sense? I didn't want to leave these people I cherished the most, but sometimes I just want to be gone and be forgotten.

But I can't bear thinking they'll be alone and have no one for themselves. I was still needed, I wanted to be needed.

Sometimes I feel like I was unconsciously liking the perfection they thought I was, because I was being driven to do exactly what they wanted me to be, I go to the place they think I'll fit.

But it's also frightening once they realized perfection was a fraud that's not yet caught.

Perfection was a fraud.

If I took away the image they have in mind, then who was I, really?

Napahinga ako ng malalim at dumapa sa kama. It's still too early to go to school. I still haven't got a wink of sleep. I can't sleep. Hindi naman ako pagod, siguro babawi na lang ako ng pahinga mamaya.

I decided to get up from the bed and pulled out a box underneath my bed. It was my box of memories, I have stuff here that I have kept since I was in highschool, and photos ─ lots of it.

Meron din nga akong wrapper ng mga gifts and those flowers I preserved which I got from my friends tuwing Valentine's Day noon. Halos mapuno na ang lagyanan ko ng kung anu-ano, so I still have a few box kept.

Napapangiting sinilip ko ang photo album na nakuha, it contained pictures of my friends ─ Jade, Jean, Yuka, Apple...Gail.

I decided I don't want to be friends with Gail anymore ─ if she'll give me the chance.

I've been crushing on her since we're in highschool after Jade made me realize it nang hindi niya alam. I never told anyone about this feeling.

Kung may makakaalam man, I wanted Gail to know it first. I'd rather keep it a secret if she won't ever know.

I've been specifically more affectionate to her pero parang hindi naman niya napapansin. Sa lahat ng kaibigan ko, siya lang ang medyo ilang pa rin sa akin. Maybe because she also thinks I was hard to please? Hindi ko sure. I can't read her.

I just know everything she was doing always looked cute and adorable. I liked her being shy, I liked the reserved person that she was.

I feel delighted sa tuwing nakikita ko siya. Minsan parang gusto na lang siyang yakapin. That's why I like riding bikes with her kung siya ang nakaangkas. I was riding fast on purpose because it's fascinating to witness such vibrant expression ─ kahit na nakakatakot nga raw akong pumedal.