Dreamland Review Archive

The Coder and the Jock (DS)

The Coder and the Jock by sarcasticcoffeelover5

Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read your book. Please, keep in mind that my reading of your story is by necessity a subjective opinion. Your story is beautiful and important to you more than any other story you could have been telling. How I perceived it is very much a matter of my preferences

I read the first 10 chapters of your story. Your story is YA so I looked first and foremost at the main character's voice, something to distinguish the conflict/premise of the story from other high-school stories, and if I would be able to remember your story a few months from now.

I think that you chose a solid title for your story, that immediately tells me it is a YA read. The focus on a coder is also welcome, promising an interesting character. As I mentioned when we chatted about the review, for me the blurb had an immediate red flag, namely the 6 POVs. So, in addition to the usual stuff I am thinking about when reading a story, I was wondering why the story needed all 6.

I think as I was reading, I felt that Calista, the initial narrator, was a great POV for a YA story. She is bubbly, spanky, a bit ditzy and makes snap decisions. In ten chapters, since all characters stay around Calista, I saw no reason for any other POV. In my view, it will enhance the story to stay with her, focusing it (and focusing this story more will be beneficial).

I really liked the initial hook of the robotic fights and Calista's decision to get on the robotics team and participate.

However, I have one world-building caveat so far. Unless the mean girl Lavinia lies through her teeth, a robot fighting tournament attended by mafia and rich guys seriously challenges the plausibility of the set-up for me. It's on the same order as giving a school play the level of Grand Opera performance in significance.

I feel that a girl trying to join her high school's robotics team and win a robotics fighting competition has great stakes by definition. Any competition has those stakes built-in, and the more realistic they are, the easier it is actually to get invested. When you add Calista's trying to remain in a good standing with the popular clique in the school--something I picked up on while reading--while courting the robotics' team, that's a great conflict right there. If you place her potential love interests in those respective (and opposing) factions, I think your set up would be perfect for that fresh twist on a high school drama.

In terms of what I would suggest you look at in terms of skill-building is giving some thought to the flow of your narrative and flow-through. I felt it was a bit fatiguing to read, because it was written in a way that I didn't have time to attach to anything in particular, despite the interesting set-up.

What gave me this impression was the lack of focused parts in each scene, no clear beginning, build-up and resolutions so far. The events kept progressing, tossing in equally-sized plot seeds every few paragraphs. To me, the plot didn't have a chance to take root and grow from those seeds. There was also never a space given for a follow-through to each of many small events that you strung one after another. Multiple POV switches only increased that lack of focus in my view.

My suggestion is to grow the story around the robotics competition and Calista's trying to get on the team, and the growing conflict it creates, maybe considering taking out some superfluous bits to focus the narrative a bit more.

Good luck with developing your story and hope these notes are helpful.