Blackout

02 | return

With each day that passes, the fact that I likely won't be regaining my memory any time soon becomes more apparent.

Because of this, Dr. Meyer suggested that I try to make my return to school, though Sofia took it as less of a suggestion and more of an order. I think they're all hoping that everything will magically come back to me if my circumstances are exactly how they were before the accident.

The thought of having to spend the day with hundreds of people I don't know is terrifying. Dealing with three virtual strangers every day for the past two weeks since leaving the hospital has been more than enough. My time has been made up of stifled conversations, trips to the neurologist, and wandering around inside because anything beyond my front door is completely unknown, and therefore unwanted.

After extracting myself from under the bedsheets, I tiptoe to the downstairs bathroom, not wanting to wake anyone. The house is old, and the wood floors creak and groan with every step. Once I've finished and washed up, I look in the mirror, studying the face that stares back at me once more: the vacant, dark eyes and pink lips pressed into a firm line. I wonder how long it will take me to get used to my reflection. Tilting my chin, I turn my head, examining it from all angles.

I try out several smiles but all of them feel horribly fake and tight. The only way my expression looks okay is if I'm completely emotionless.

When I exit the bathroom, Parker is in the hallway, and I stop short.

"Okay," he teases, "that is definitely an Allie look. Are you sure you're not just pretending to forget everything?"

"Positive."

"Must be muscle memory. You were always the master of giving people looks that could kill."

The mood shifts and an uncomfortable tension settles over us, one that's becoming quite familiar. It doesn't help that this is the first time we've been alone together since he tried to kiss me. Up until now, I've pretended he's invisible. Audrey keeps asking me to do things with them—take a walk, sit in the car while they buy groceries, go out for coffee—and she'll only accept the "I think it'll give me a headache" excuse for so long. Being forced to acknowledge her boyfriend has me feeling cornered.

He lowers his voice. "I'm sorry about what happened."

"I am too," I say firmly.

"Don't be. It's my fault. Just... forget about it."

"Is that a joke? I already have amnesia."

He's silent for a few seconds before he processes my words, then laughs breathily. I feel my lips twitch. The motion draws his attention, and my pulse quickens.

"Bad word choice," he remarks.

He looks as though he wants to say more, but movement in the other room snaps us out of our trance. I push past him, moving toward the kitchen. Inside, Audrey slides a bagel into the toaster, glancing over her shoulder as I breeze into the room, Parker trailing slowly behind.

"Oh, you're both here," she says brightly. "Good morning."

I busy myself with making a cup of tea. "Morning."

"How are you feeling about going back to school today?"

"If I had to choose between going to school or launching myself into space, I'd pick space."

"Oh, come on," she remarks. "I'm sure it won't be that bad."

I give her a dubious look.

"Just think about it like starting at an entirely new school. That's exciting, right? You can make new friends."