Blackout

03 | fall

The end of the school day can't come quickly enough, but when it does, I'm hit with the realization that I have to come back here tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. Dropping out and hiding in my room for all of eternity is becoming more appealing by the second. My body would certainly thank me for it. Miraculously, I walked away from the accident with minimal injuries—besides the whole amnesia thing, of course—but the effects of being in a temporarily comatose state linger, and I'm not as strong as I should be.

The sun decided to make an appearance in the late afternoon, banishing the clouds in order to bask the front lawn of the school in warm light. I wait for Audrey outside, keeping an eye out for her rusted Corolla, squinting as I lean against the brick of the raised garden.

It's an odd thing to be dropped into the middle of a life, like someone pushed me overboard and expected me to be able to keep myself afloat even though I never learned how to swim. For the most part, people kept their distance as I stumbled my way through my classes, trailing behind Zoe like a lost puppy. It's hard to imagine myself ever striding across campus with purpose and confidence, despite knowing I must have at one point.

Maybe tomorrow I'll at least be able to find the bathroom without having to ask someone for help. And maybe soon the shock waves of my return will fade away and people will stop looking at me like I just dropped down from another planet.

Damien approaches, bringing me back to the present as he steps into my line of vision.

"Hey."

He's wearing a varsity jacket and a sheepish smile as he settles in next to me. I haven't seen him since lunch, and even then he seemed to sense that I needed some space.

"I'm sorry about earlier," he says. "I know I already apologized, but I feel like I should do it again."

"Oh." I wave a hand dismissively, trying to appear casual even though I wish he hadn't brought it up. "Don't worry about it. Seriously."

"School has felt so empty without you." Damien reaches out, looking as though he wants to take my hand in his, so I adjust my backpack strap, shifting my weight between my feet. "I'm really glad you're here, Allie."

"Yeah," I say, unsure if I feel the same. Biting the inside of my lip, I debate with myself for a few moments. "Damien, you seem like a great guy. But I'm going to need some time. This all feels so new to me."

His face falls. "Of course."

"You're all right if we take things slow?" I persist, not sure what the protocol is for asking a boyfriend for space when you don't remember anything about the relationship.

"I'm willing to wait for you."

"Thanks," I say, a bit of tension leaving my body.

"Just don't make me wait forever."

My heart sinks. It's going to take at least forever to get used to the idea of dating him at all. Is it wrong to give him false hope?

Damien glances at the parking lot and gestures to it with his thumb, seemingly oblivious to my inner turmoil. "Hey, do you need a ride home?"

I shake my head quickly. "Audrey is coming to get me."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Okay. I guess I'll just see you tomorrow then," he says, sounding reluctant as he makes his way to the parking lot.

The thought of having to go through all of this again causes my headache to return, and I close my eyes, massaging my temples. It's going to take ages to settle into this new routine and relearn how to be myself. As if I even know who that is.