YOUTUBE//c.s.

chapter 9, alone

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*the next day*

i walked into my apartment, alone. it was the first time i was really alone. i had never really been alone since i lived here. but Madi was busy and the triplets were doing something.

it was raining outside and i had nothing to do. i locked my door and walked over and pulled open the curtains. i sighed and stepped back.

i looked around, at the city. i sat back down on my couch. tomorrow i had an interview for a job. it paid well for part-time. i mean 19 dollars an hour was good. i would only work 3 days out of the week.

i needed this job. i knew it would limit what i could do with my friends on those days but i needed rent money and money for food and gas.

this was adulthood. it was stressful. i needed extra help, why do you think i spent months looking for the most cheapest apartments. the rent for this apartment is $700. thank you for student discounts. rent wasn't due until next month.

i rubbed my face with my hands and looked around my apartment. i looked at the kitchen and got up. i grabbed some soap and started to do my dishes. i washed and scrubbed.

it was stressful doing the dishes. i felt like crying and i didn't know why. i just wanted to. i just wanted to cry. i didn't know if it was because i was alone, or if the tag on my shirt was so itchy, or if the rain hitting the window was off. i didn't know what it was. it could've been that my heart was too loud in my ears, or i couldn't stand still and i always had to be moving in some sort of way.

i didn't know.

i'm confused.

i took in a deep breath and put the dishes down and put my hands on the counter. i let out a shaky breath and licked my lips. my phone began to ring, my mother.

i just wanted to throw my phone across my room. away from me. i hated that thing. it never stopped fucking ringing. it hurt my ears knowing who stood behind the other end.

why can't she just leave me alone?

i'm tired.

i don't wanna do this anymore.

i can't take this anymore.

i snatched my phone and declined her call. i went to my contacts and blocked her. i blocked her on everything. i let out a sigh and threw my phone onto my island and out my elbows on the table.

my jeans started feeling tighter and the fabric felt weird. my skin was colder and didn't feel right. the tag in my shirt was all over my back. my body felt numb and i felt out of control. i could feel the blood running through my body. my bones didn't feel right and the air i was breathing wasn't right.

it felt wrong.

it all did.

it made me cry.

i stood back up and sniffled. i wiped my nose with the back of my hand and pushed my hair behind my ears. i turned back around and started doing the dishes again.

i finished a few minutes later and began drying them and putting them in the cabinets. i walked to my bathroom and started cleaning the mirror and reorganized my entire bathroom.

once that was done i cleaned my room and then my living room. and once i was done everything still felt wrong.

now it was worse.

i was alone with my own thoughts.

rent. work. school. money. sleep. gas.

it began to worry me again.

what if it wasn't enough?

what if my mom was right?

what if i failed?

my hair on my head sat weird it felt itchy and uncomfortable.

a shower. i needed another shower.

i got up and ran to the bathroom to take a shower and once i was done it still felt weird.

what is going on with me?

i looked at myself in the mirror. i covered my mouth as i leaned against the wall and began to cry. it hurt. my throat hurt and my worries began growing even more.

i shook and tried to calm down but i couldn't. everything would go wrong. something bad was gonna happen to me, i could feel it.

i knew something was going too.

it was gonna happen next week, i know something bad is going to happen.

i've only been here for 2 weeks and something bad was gonna happen.

please. please. please.

let me be wrong this one time. let something amazing happen.

please let something amazing happen.

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waking up the sun wasn't in my eyes. for the first time i woke up to gloomy skies. i grabbed my phone to check the time.

9:34

i sat up and rubbed my eyes. i was tired. but i needed to go to this interview. i knew i needed this job. i had to look my best and act my best. or else, i was screwed.

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the interview went amazing. i was proud of myself when i walked out. i crushed it. as i was walking out i got a notification.

The Sturniolo Triplets have posted

i smiled and turned my phone off. i would look at it later.

once i made it home and changed and took my makeup off i sat down and looked at the video. it was the one when we went to take photos. i smiled as i looked at some of the comments, but soon my smile had faded when i reached the bottom of the comments.

one said, why does she look like that?

she looks so big in that dress😭

she's really acting like a pick me

what?

was i really?

i didn't think i was. i love the triplets. they're so nice and welcoming.

did i do something wrong?

Madi why would you even compliment her😭 that dress ain't it

she's so desperate it's funny

desperate?

i'm not desperate?

desperate for what? i never once tried to plug my own platforms. i was hanging out with my friends? what was wrong with that?

i turned my phone off and sighed.

was i really that bad?

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