The Road to Paradise

sometimes I think

sometimes I hear crackling,
like static from a tv,
and it gets louder and louder.
so overwhelming,
the chaos surrounds me
but nobody else hears a sound.

when I closed my eyes
I used to hear screaming,
and crying,
and wailing.
'help me!
save me!'
it felt as if they were calling from hell
and I felt afraid.

I used to not be able to sleep
because I had bad dreams
but waking up didn't end them.
sometimes I think I still live in a nightmare.

so many bugs crawl through my hair
I think I have lice-
it's so uncomfortable.
my mom always tells me that theres nothing there,
but I swear it's there-
I can feel it.

sometimes I wake up to thunderstorms
in the middle of the night.
I'm an adult and I can't go to my parents' bedroom.
but I'm afraid so I'll turn on the lights-
I guess I'll be safe for a little while.

but I'm so fucking paranoid-
every room might have a killer inside.
what kind of killer?
I don't rightly know,
but I'll check the closet anyway.
I'll lock all the doors and I'll keep the lights on,
and I'll keep my favorite show playing all night long,
so I won't have to think about what might go wrong-
I'm afraid of dying,
even though I think about it five or six times a week.

but I don't want to die,
I want to live,
I just don't know what I'm doing.
when I figure it out I'll let you know,
but to be honest I should've figured it out ages ago