Sage: *slep*
Five: *slep*
Sage: *rolls over*
Five: *taps shoulder*
Sage: hm?
Five: you rolled over in your sleep and I wanted to know if you still love me *starts crying*
Sage: fuck not again-
-----
Sage: if I were a gardener, I'd put our tu-lips together.
Five: I love you.
Max: if I were a gardener, you'd be my hoe.
Klaus: thanks, bro!
-----
Sage: do you have a bag I could borrow?
Max: the only bags I have are the ones under my eyes, and they're specifically designed to carry the burden of my existence.
Sage:
Sage: all you had to do was say no.
-----
Five: you are color blind, right?
Sage: why?
Five: I just wanna know.
Sage: yeah, I am.
Five: i know the perfect birthday present for you.
Sage: if you get me a rubix cube I will shoot you-
-----
Max: so you've kissed Five, right?
Sage: yeah.
Tariq: what was it like?
Sage: it was slow, but firm and unyielding like an old man backing his Lincoln Town Car over a handicapped parking sign.
Max: I-
Tariq: I think you need help-
-----
Sage: is there a word to describe the feeling that's between angry and sad?
Five: malcontent.
Allison: disgruntled.
Vanya: or desolated. They all work.
Klaus: or you could just use smad.
Sage:
Five:
Allison:
Vanya:
Klaus: sad+mad= smad :D
-----
Sage: *is choking*
Five: help! I need to call 911 but the 9 button isn't working!
Klaus: just turn the phone upside down and use the 6!
Five:
Max: genius!
Sage: *stops choking momentarily* what the fuck?
-----
Sage: if I asked you for a hug, would you give it to me?
Five: sure.
Sage: if I asked you for a kiss, would you give it to me?
Five: sure.
Sage: if I asked you for a star, would you give it to me?
Five: sure.
Vanya: what are you doing?
Sage: my little murder machine is mostly asleep, and I'm asking him for stuff.
Vanya: oooh, I wanna try. Five, can I have Sage?
Five: absolutely fucking not.
Vanya: even when he's asleep he won't give you up.
-----
Klaus: whenever the characters of a movie go underwater, I like to hold my breath to see if I would've survived in that situation.
*Watches Finding Nemo*
Klaus:
Max: Klaus? KLAUS OH MY GOD-
-----
Luther: *drops glass, breaking it*
Luther:
Luther: glass is very fragile, you must take care of it. If you don't handle it correctly, chances are you'll break it, and if you break it, you'll probably get cut.
Luther: just like people.
Luther: glass is a lot like people.
Everyone else:
Everyone else: Luther just clean up the glass you fucking fuck.
-----
Five: you fainted. Do you remember anything?
Sage: only the ambulance ride to the hospital.
Five: that wasn't an ambulance, I drove you.
Sage: but I heard a fuckin siren?
Five: that was Klaus.
YOU ARE READING
The Umbrella Academy Groupchat
RandomThe Hargreeves and I in some weird ass scenarios over text that I think would happen WAKEY WAKEY EGGS AND BAKEYYYY
