Unheard Voice and Unexpressed Feelings [2020-2021]

Letter to my deceased Grandpa 😭

17Aug2021
Dearest Tatay,

You might be gone physically but you will always be in my mind.

I might not be able to hold you physically but I can hold you in my heart.

I know I'll be missing kissing you on your cheeks and hugging you when I leave you from my visits, run to you and put my arm on your shoulders when I see you from afar coming to our place, helping you weed, making faces when you see me, being with you and just talking to you.

Your face has been etched on my memory as I spent my entire life with you (except the last two years of being miles away from you) especially your sweet smile.

To see you dance the tango is impossible but knowing how good a dancer you were, I know you will have your dance in heaven.

I don't really have regrets about losing you as I'd been showing you how much I love you and meant to me when you were alive but I do have one 'I-should-have-done' thing. It is to give you the letter I wrote to you in December last year. I wanted to read it to you in person when we go back there next year. I know it's too late now and I wish I could have at least read it to you over the phone.

Your kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, friendliness, positivity, versatility, caring, and happy disposition will always be remembered. Your presence will always be missed.

I'm still in grief now and I have no clue as to when it will fade. The impact of your death has been distressing to me that I was in denial when my mother informed me about your death. I didn't quite fully accept it right away and wanted her to wake you up from your usual nap. Wailing was my only response and the only thing I could do at that moment. 😭😭😭

You have been my source of happiness and also the reason for my first heartbreak. This is by far the worst happening in my life. Losing you is inevitable as you're old and I found out that I never take grasping that very truth into consideration. That someday, one day, you will leave me for good! I was confident I could still have you for a long time. The death of my loved ones is one of my greatest fears. Your passing has been terribly affecting me. You had been a very supportive grandpa to me. You were always there for me. You were like my second father. I'm too blessed and lucky to have you as grandpa in my life.

I'm in distress now but I know the sorrow that I feel can't compare to the grief grandma has felt by your passing. I can tell how emotionally strong she is. What would be her life without you anymore? I told my mother to live with grandma. I didn't want her to live alone at home. Can I still call it home when the man of the house is gone? How can we cope? Grandma will be celebrating her birthday alone every January 1st. It still amazes me that you shared the same birthday.

I remember that grandma's greatest concern of me leaving you both is death. She was being so honest about it. I still remember how she said that. She said that she's afraid I wouldn't be there if the two of you die. Look what happened now? Words are so powerful!

Happiness certainly eludes us in the meantime but life must go on. Life's like that! We mourn your death now but knowing you aren't suffering from the pain of arthritis anymore has left us the feeling of relief that you won't be dealing with the excruciating pain it caused you for years.

One thing that made this difficult to comprehend and accept is the distance. I wish I was there with you physically in your hard times and not just on a video call watching you in pain. I had sleepless nights whenever you get sick. I always felt extremely anxious. I still can't forget the painful look. I wish I could help you ease the pain. I felt so useless I wasn't there with you. I wanted to hold your hand, Tay. I wanted to kiss your cheeks. I wanted to say goodbye and tell you how much I love you in person for the last time. I had to yell at you, though.

How can I stop myself from crying (especially at night)? When I close my eyes and attempt to sleep, I can see you and remember our memories together. It never fails to make me cry. In fact, I'm crying while writing this. Tay, unsaon ba? 😭😭😭

Tatay, I know you are aware of how much everyone loves you! It has been amusing and amazing to witness that. People who know you seem to be good at expressing their love and gratitude to you. You made a huge difference in their lives. You touched their lives and they will forever be thankful for you.

We love you so much, Tatay Simo. I will miss calling you Simo-so! 😄 I will still call grandma, Tinang-kong!

Your physical form left but the memories I have with you will remain so long as I'm breathing! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, TAY! HASTA LA VISTA! 😘😘😘

Say hello to uncle Arthur, uncle Tata, tatay Cesar and Kuya Bebe for me! 😉

January 1, 1936 - August 16, 2021

Love,
Jul