Hamlet but it's Better

Act One, Scene Two

Location: Council chamber

(CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, LAERTES, VOLTIMAND, CORNELIUS, HAMLET, and attendants enter)

CLAUDIUS: So, I get it. King Hamlet is dead. And I know, that's something that me and my family mourn, and our whole kingdom should mourn, but the moral of the story is that even in bad times, we can't let Denmark transform into a pile of crap sandwiched between Norway and Prussia. (takes Gertrude's hand in a kind of nasty, sweaty way). So with great sorrow and great joy, Queen Gertrude and I announce our marriage. As I like to say, sister-in-law by chance, wife by choice. Thank you for your support.

(HAMLET visibly deflates, very much sad boy hours)

CLAUDIUS: Now, as I'm sure you know, King Fortinbras of Norway thinks we're worthless and disjointed due to my brother's death, and he's seeing this as an opportunity to gain back the lands lost by his father. Now, I've been in contact with Fortinbras's uncle, but he's sick and...well, not very attentive. So, Cornelius and Voltimand, I'm sending you on a job: take this letter to Fortinbras's uncle, and tell him to control the palace pig.

CORNELIUS: Yeah, sure.

VOLTIMAND: You got it, dawg. YEAH DENMARK!!!!

CLAUDIUS: (visibly weirded out) Um okay. Shoo (exit CORNELIUS and VOLTIMAND). Laertes, what have you heard? Last I heard, you heard about some...petition?

LAERTES: (dead silence)

CORNELIUS: Last I checked, you were all full of words. Cat got your tongue in front of your own king?

LAERTES: Sorry, man. I just...I just....you let all your favorite people go to France and you've never let me go not even once? You let Sven go. Sven. Sven spends four hours of every day on his bathroom break.

CLAUDIUS: Wait. You want to go to France? Have you asked your father?

POLONIUS: Laertes has asked me about a thousand times to go to France. Please, for the sake of my sanity, let him go.

CLAUDIUS: I mean, do what you want, Laertes. You're a young guy. Go have fun. (pause). Oh, and Hamlet. I have to tell you. It was great having you as my nephew, and now I get to have you as my son too.

HAMLET: Oh dear God. Please don't.

CLAUDIUS: (quietly) Are you actually still doing this?

HAMLET: Sorry, dad, I'm still working on that mourning thing you were talking so much about.

Gertrude: Straighten up. Remember. You're next in line for the throne of Denmark. Act like it. Why have you been so down lately?

HAMLET: ....you're serious?

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, we've talked about this. Quit embarrassing yourself and stop looking so...sad.

HAMLET: Well, it's not like I'm pretending to be sad. I don't want to feel like this, I just...do. I'm not trying to look sad, I just...I can't, okay? Not today.

CLAUDIUS: Ah, son. You're commendable in your grief, but think about it this way. Your father always wanted you to be a man. Think about how you are now, hm? Moping, brooding, why, it's all nearly setting you off the course to heaven. And about that school, the one in Wittenburg. I know you'd like to go back, but I'm sure you should stay. For the good of your country, son.

GERTRUDE: Please, son. Don't go back to Wittenberg.

HAMLET: Fine.

CLAUDIUS: Excellent. I was sure you'd come around. You're a crowned prince, after all, you may as well enjoy some of the benefits of your duties, if you know what I mean. Now, I propose a toast (alcohol noises): to my brother! And my new son.

(cannon fires, everyone leaves except HAMLET)

HAMLET: Sometimes, I wish I could just melt into a puddle and disappear. If God is real, why would he let my father die? Why? The world is nothing more than a flat, meaningless plain, and I have no use for it at all anymore. Everything is falling apart, lost to the weeds of the unkempt garden in my mind. Not even two months have passed, and my mother. Marries. My. Uncle. Ew. Seriously? A dust mite would have mourned longer. Disgusting. But it's not like I can tell anyone. I can't be seen as a weak leader.

(enter HORATIO, MARCELLUS, and BERNARDO)

HORATIO: Hey, brochaco.

HAMLET: Oh. Sup, Hor....wait...

HORATIO: Yeah, it's me.

HAMLET: Oh, sorry, bro. How's Wittenberg?

MARCELLUS: Yeah, um, about that-

HAMLET: Oh, and Bernardo! Well, look at us, just a trio of blurs. But seriously, Horatio? Skipping school?

HORATIO: I would never!

HAMLET: Well, since you're here, you might as well enjoy yourself, seeing as I'm not. Drinks?

HORATIO: No, bro. I'm here for your dad's funeral.

HAMLET: That's over and done with. You're just in time to watch my mother marry my uncle.

HORATIO:.....wait, actually eurioeafh that is so uncomfortable.

HAMLET: Yeah. And I think we're just reusing everything--food, decorations, stuff like that--for the wedding. All this at the same time, and I thought I just saw my father.

HORATIO: um...about that.

HAMLET: In my head, Horatio, not really.

HORATIO: Yeah. So, actually-

HAMLET: And I just feel so low when I realize that I'll never see him a-

HORATIO: (deep breath) Me and Marcellus and Bernardo saw the ghost of your father last night tromping around in armor and we think he's looking for you.

HAMLET: .....the...fck....?

HORATIO: Marcellus and Bernardo told me they saw a ghost on their watch two nights ago, and I laughed in their faces because, you know, they're stupid. But then, I saw it too! And they're not crazy!

HAMLET: Where did this happen?

MARCELLUS: Guard platform, two nights in a row.

HAMLET: Well, why didn't you do something reasonable, like, try and talk to it?

HORATIO: Oh believe me. We tried. But then it went and spooky ghosted away. We were kind of thinking it might talk to you.

HAMLET: Are you guys on guard tonight?

BERNARDO: Yeah.

MARCELLUS: Why yes, my lord.

HAMLET: And you say he was dressed for war?

MARCELLUS: (tongue clicks, finger guns) locked and loaded. Armor and everything.

HAMLET: Then how could you tell he was my father?
HORATIO: His face wasn't covered. He didn't look mad, just...sorrowful. And pale. He stared at me without end. Oh, you should've been there.

HAMLET: Well, I'll watch tonight. We'll wait together and see if it shows up. Okay?

HORATIO: There's no question about it. He'll come.

HAMLET: I'm sure it will. And if it speaks, we'll just listen.

(exit HORATIO, MARCELLUS, and BERNARDO)

HAMLET: If my father's back from the grave, something is wrong.

OMINOUS GHOSTLY VOICE THAT HAMLET CAN'T HEAR BUT THE AUDIENCE CAN: No sht.