Can it be? | Pansy Parkinson

XXXVI- Talk

Anna's POV

McGonagall lead me to Dumbledore's office as I held my bag close to me. I felt guilty about not telling my friends I was leaving, but I desperately needed to see my uncles. We walked in and Remus stood next to Dumbledore and he seemed worried.

"Anna!" he exclaimed when he saw me and immediately hugged me. "Are you okay?" I nodded slightly, not really wanting to get into the details with Dumbledore around.

"There are some things you need to discuss with her, Remus. I trust your dog's company will also be good for her," she pointedly added.

"Of course. He'll be happy to see her."

We Floo'd to Moony's cottage and he let me settle slightly before we left again. We went to Grimmauld's place on brooms so there was no way for me to be traced down. I felt Moony glancing at me every few minutes, as if I would collapse any time. Padfoot immediately came to us when we walked in and gave me a hug. He took my bag and walked up the stairs, most likely to put it away, while I walked in the kitchen with Remus.

"Tea?"

"Um, yeah sure." 

I sat down and looked around. It was so empty without the Weasley's, everything seemed much darker. Remus handed me a cup of tea and I watched the steam. It was mesmerizing. The way it moved around, how it reacted to our breath and our movements, I loved it. I saw Padfoot thanking Moony for the tea with a kiss on his cheek before he also sat down.

"Have you had any big exam yet?" He asked. "How do you feel about the OWL's?"

"Ugh," I groaned and put my forehead on the table. "I'd forgotten about those."

"You still have time, don't worry." He sipped his tea and a small smile appeared on his face. "Prongs and I barely studied for any exam."

"It drove me mad," Remus said.

"We only studied for the OWL's and the NEWT's."

"Thank Merlin you did. At least had Lily to study with me. She kept me sane."

"Until James and I corrupted her," Sirius smirked. "She ended up making pranks with us."

"No way." No one had ever mentioned that.

"She was an amazing prankster, she knew everything about Hogwarts, more than we did," Padfoot affirmed.

"Aren't you guys the one who made the Marauder's Map?"

"Well we knew every passage," Remus started, "she knew the history and all type of magic that made Hogwarts, Hogwarts."

 "It was an amazing weapon for us during pranks."

"She knew how to use the whole school at our advantage."

"The pranks we made with her were some of the bests."

"That's- I don't even know," I laughed. "It's bloody amazing."

We stayed in the kitchen, talking for a few hours. They told me about my parents and how much I reminded them of them sometimes, especially my father. I felt proud, knowing that I was like him. He was a good man, admirable. He'd died for our mother, my brother and me, faced Voldemort without  a wand for us. I wished he'd been there, that he didn't have to die that night, both him and mum. God how different life would be. Perhaps I'd be able to cry in their arms after a fight with Harry instead of telling myself it was nothing and that I should just get over it. We all fell quiet but I barely noticed as I let my thoughts get louder.

"I kissed a girl," I finally blurted out. "She reacted badly. She said- she said it was- I was disgusting." I tried to take a deep breath. "And I just- I have no idea what to do? It, it hurts so bad, I never thought I would hear someone say that to me, you know? And now, I just, I feel like my world crashed, because I really do like her and I want to believe she said that because I kissed her while drunk and not because I'm also a girl but it feels foolish and- fuck I don't even know."

Moony wrapped his arms around me, rubbing my arm, and I cried. I couldn't stop the tears even if I wanted to. It hurt so badly, it felt like I was suffocating.

"Was it Pansy Parkinson?" Sirius asked simply. I couldn't answer, my throat was closed up, so I just nodded. He sighted and passed his hand over his face before walking up to me. "Come on, we'll get somewhere more comfortable."

He lead me to a small room close to the living room. It was as dark as the rest of the house. He made me sit on a big leathered couch with Moony and sat in front of us in a big chair.

"I'm not proud of this," he started, "but I reacted in a similar way when I first kissed Moony. Maybe it's even worse, since I was the one kissing him, not him kissing me,I'm not sure. I really wanted to kiss him, it was honest... but I panicked. I panicked and said some awful things before running off and ignoring everyone for days. The Black and Parkinson families are part of the Sacred 28, Anna. 'Toujours Pur.'  is their favourite saying." He looked disgusted as he said that sentence. "When you grow up with them, you hear that everyday, it becomes permanent in your head, even if you don't agree with it. It took me a long time to get rid of those supremacist reflexes. They're like that with homosexuality too. The mere idea of it disgusts them but they'll let the highly ranked ones do whatever they want." He laughed without joy. "They are completely against homosexuality but are totally fine with incest."

"I'm not, I'm not sure I see where you're going with this," I admitted.

"What I mean is, no matter how much you don't agree with something or wish you could get rid of it, when it's something you've had for the biggest part of your life, at least twelve years, it's the first thing that comes when you panic." He looked at me and raised his hands. "Now, in no mean, am I excusing her reaction. I'm just saying, it might have been her reflex but she didn't mean it."

"But it still hurts," I whispered.

"And that's okay," Moony affirmed. "Pads explained his reaction to me a few days later, when he stopped his isolation, but it didn't immediately stop hurting."

"Should I just, forgive her?" I asked again, I'd never felt so lost about what I should do.

"Not unless she apologizes!" Sirius exclaimed. "Never forgive someone who didn't present their sincere apologies to you."

"Never forgive anyone if you're not ready to," Remus added.

"Yeah," I whispered to myself. I looked around the room and focused on the huge object behind Padfoot. "Holy shit is that a piano?!"

Sirius turned around and put his hand on it. "Yep. The only thing my family gave me that I don't completely hate."

"Can you play?" I eagerly asked.

"Of course."

He sat down on the bench and opened it. His hands ghosted over the notes and he finally pressed on them, the sound echoing perfectly in the room. He smiled slightly as he started playing a song. I tucked my legs under me and leaned on Moony as I listened to the tune. It was beautiful. I fell asleep listening to the piano, my heart already feeling lighter.