Blossom 🌸

Arlo 🌀

"I feel like I'm failing him." My dads voice woke me up but I didn't open my eyes, I lay perfectly still, listening to their conversation.

"You're not failing him Jord. He's a teenager, he just wants to feel normal."

"It's the medication that makes him normal, why would he stop taking it?"

"For many reasons, side effects. They suppress his appetite, they zombify him, they mess with his sleeping pattern, they change his thought process, they could alter his libido."

"What's the alternative Lola, living here?"

"There's no alternative, he needs to stay on his meds and the sooner he learns and accepts that, the better."

"It's just so much harder with him. I worry about him every second of every day. You know he's been arrested three times this year? He just doesn't stop, it was never like this with Faith."

"They are two completely different people Jordan, it's not fair to compare them. They're both special in their own ways."

"Can I go home today?" I asked croakily, interrupting them so I didn't need to hear how great my sister was compared to what a failure I am.

Lola smiled at me radiantly. "At least one more night of our observations kiddo, how did you sleep last night?"

"I want to go home."  She looked over the routines marked out on a white board in my room.

Everything here was set down the minute in routines. When to eat, when to shower, when to sleep. I had no privacy, no real say in what I ate, when I took my meds or who I spoke to.

"How about a shower?" She suggested.

"How about you go fuck yourself?" I snapped.

"Arlo!" My dad scolded.

"I want to go home, go get the fucking paperwork and check me out."

"That's not going to happen Arlo, so go get a shower and then go to the breakfast hall." Lola spoke sternly now, not taking my shit.

"You think I'm going to shower with no lock on the door, a fucking viewing window and some shitty cheap ass soap?"

"Jesus Christ Arlo, just do as you're told." My dad whined.

I leaned forward, getting my face right up close to Lola's to intimidate her. "Go get the paper work, you bitch and sign me out." She didn't falter, not intimidated by me in the slightest.

"Listen to me you little shit, you think I don't deal with people cussing me out all day. I'll smile at them and talk professionally but I'm not extending that same curtesy to you. Sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up and do as you're told or you're never getting out this place."

"If you won't let me leave then I'll just smash it up." I threatened.

"Oh go for it, I'll cry for danger pay and they'll up my wages." I huffed out a sigh and sat back down on my bed feeling defeated. "There." She smiled. "Now, when you're ready I'll be hearing that apology."

"Fuck off." She laughed.

"Right, looks like you've got the situation under control. I'm leaving, I'll be back later with your mom." I raised my middle finger at him and Lola grabbed hold of it.

"Stop being so fucking hostile." She gave me a small clear pot with pills in. I drank them down with ease. "Tongue." I lifted my tongue and showed her the inside of my mouth. She stuck a blue gloved finger around my gums and the roof of my mouth until she was satisfied I had swallowed.

"I met Fearne." She commented casually as she marked my charts on her clipboard.

"Good for you."

"She's pretty." She didn't look up from my medical records. "You know, minus the huge gash on her forehead." Her grey eyes lifted and landed on me.

I didn't react.
Not on the outside anyway.

"Well that's her own fault." I crossed my arms over my torso stubbornly. Lola put her clipboard down and searched my face for answers.

"I'm curious, why do you think that's her fault?" 

"Because she was stupid enough to put herself in that position with me." Lola scoffed and shook her head in disbelief.

"You don't even remember what happened, you're placing the blame on her because you're humiliated and angry. You ran out into a freeway, you not only endangered your own life, but Fearne's too and all of the drivers. We had so many emergency services lined up waiting to help you. Helicopters, ambulances, police, doctors."

"I know, you told me."

"I told you but I don't think it's sinking in for you Arlo. You could be dead right now. Fearne could be dead right now and why? Because you made the choice to stop taking your medication. That's not on Fearne."

"So what do you want me to do, huh?" I stood up, yelling at her. "Thank her? No, I'm sorry. No fucking way. I won't thank her for getting in that car with me. I won't thank her for putting herself in danger with me. Who the fuck does that? Who the fuck gets in the car willingly with someone so obviously fucking manic?"

"Someone who cares." She voiced quietly.

"I can't listen to this." I rubbed my palm over my face, feeling furious with myself. So much fucking anger tainting me. I endangered her life. I showed her how actually fucking crazy I was and now I was embarrassed. Too embarrassed to face her.

"I'm done with Fearne."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that, haven't you heard? I'm bipolar, we change our minds a lot."

"You're a pussy."

"And you're a shit doctor." Lola half-smiled.

"Well, I'll be sure to assign you with someone else."

"Good."

She gathered up my charts and headed for the door. I sat back against the wall and as soon as my door closed I banged my head against the cushioned walls over and over again to release some of my anger.

I fucked everything up. I hurt Fearne. I hurt my parents. I hurt Lola. I didn't want another doctor, they made me feel crazy. Speaking to me condescendingly and asking millions of questions like an actual therapist. I didn't like they twisted my words or found deeper meanings in the things I said.

Lola didn't fuck around. She told me exactly what she thought and called me out on my own shit. Lola was family.

Tears glided down my cheek.
I felt low and alone.
I felt scared and embarrassed.
I hated it here, I just wanted to go home.