Glimpses

Hanging to it

Ever hated yourself so much that even living in your skin is an extremely difficult job? That has been my condition for the past week. Everyday, I have atleast one moment when I hit myself or scratch or hold any sharp object, ready to cut.I only thing that always calms me is what would people think if they saw me like this.

I've never been a happy person since childhood to be honest. Everyone tells me I was a cry baby and never did a day pass and I hadn't bawled my eyes for an hour to the least.

 Actually, till the age of 7, I used to cry every other day. That is when my parents' patience was over and they started being extra harsh when I cried. Well, it worked. I had stopped crying everyday. But I guess it was in the following teo years that I started having my initial suicidal thoughts. They were just thoughts and nothing more.

I had always had a massive problem making friends. I coped up good till 5th grade. I had one or two friends that I would socialize with but it was never strong enough to last more than a year. But in 5th grade, the best friend I'd made for the year was made to sit far away from me midst the first semester. So, I'd managed to make a friend around my new place in class. I even made a song for her to tell her what she meant to me. But the next semester after holidays, both my friends had somehow formed a friendship stronger than mine with them.

 As it happens, the teacher let us sit with our friends for the semester in pairs. As a matter of fact, no one wanted to sit with me. So I ended up sitting alone for the next few months. That was the time even my parents were helpless and I used to cry thinking no one wants to be friends with me. 

The only light in the darkness was my teacher. She was so good. She still happens to be one of my favourite teachers whom I admire and respect with all I have.

But the next year I made my first BFF. She is one f the people I owe a lot to. She taught me what friendship is and how it is maintained. She taught me to be open with the world and grace it with a smile and if anything doesn't please you, simply hit them as hard as you can. Thankfully, after her, I made many more friends and managed to find something positive in life.