Pol Rubio, a young philosophy graduate, isn't feeling his best lately. And he usually is. Working at a dead-end job and living an unfulfilling life was not what he had envisioned his life to be. Until one night, when he recalls a previous failed rel...
"Yes ma," I say as I sit on the edge of the bed. "Yeah, okay. Well..." I stare at a picture of me and my father on my study table. "I haven't decided yet."
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"No, it's...it's not about him. I...well. I'm okay ma. Really. I'm trying my best."
"I love you too."
"No. Yeah. Well, we'll have to see. Nonna's negotiating her contract but...yeah. She'll be on tour next month."
"No, please don't. I'm fine. I'm getting better now. And I'm also helping Anita a lot these days."
I look up at the ceiling.
"Oh she's fine. Her stomach's getting bigger. Actually, she has an ultrasound today. She's hoping to know if the baby's a girl or a boy." I smile and get up from my bed. I walk towards the balcony and place my hand on the railing. Suddenly, my mother asks me a question and I feel my heart sink a bit. "I don't know ma. Er...I haven't seen him at all. That's why I keep Anita company because I don't want her worrying a lot. It's bad for the pregnancy."
"Okay, ma. I love you. Take care of yourself there. Okay? Yes, I'm totally fine ma. Yes, I'm okay. Bye." I end the call and look up at the sky. It's a bit gloomy today. My mother is alright. She's a strong woman. She's just worried a lot about me these past few weeks; always checking on me. She's also asking me a lot about my future and my plans. She's trying to convince me to go to the University of Glasgow. She says there's a great math and science program there. And yeah, that sounds amazing and exciting. But I don't know. I just don't think university would be a good place for me right now.
Yes, I admit, I've been getting better recently. I go for runs again. I'm playing rugby again. I'm hanging out with my friends again. But to be honest, I am losing my mind. I just want to cry. All the time. Day and night. But I can't even do that anymore. My body has run out of tears. Now I just feel nothing inside.
I hear footsteps enter my bedroom. I turn around to see it's Nonna, holding up two tuxedos. "Choose," she says.
I smile. "What's this for?" I ask.
"Just choose, Simone."
One is a traditional black suit with a red tie. The other is still a black suit but with white floral patterns.
"The one with the flowers," I say.
Nonna smiles and puts the tuxedo I chose on the bed. "Good choice," she says. I walk back inside the bedroom to get a better look at the details on the tuxedo.
"Is this mine?" I ask her.
"No, it's a rental." That's a shame. I was hoping I could keep it. It looks good.
"Where am I wearing this?"
"Well, erm..." Before she continues, she gives me this look. Like a cat asking for milk or something. I know that look. I've seen it before but I didn't think my father learned it from Nonna. "What is it, Nonna?" I ask as I take a seat on the edge of the bed.
"So there's this theater event I'm invited to tomorrow. It's this closing for a ballet with this Spanish director." She pauses and looks at me, probably second guessing if she should continue.
"And?" I ask her.
"Well, tomorrow, I have a date with Attilio and..." I nod. I know where this is going. "Well, you have to understand, Simone. Ballet bores me. I can't sit three to four hours just to watch people dance. Where's the drama? It all looks the same to me. Every second I spend watching a ballet show, I get closer to my death."
So you'd rather sacrifice me, your beloved grandson. "Can I...say 'no'?"
"No," she says. I sigh.
"Okay. If I don't have a choice, then fine." She smiles and walks over to me and kisses my head five times.
"No, you don't have a choice, Simone." I wrap my arms around her waist.
"How are you Nonna? I've never really asked you."
She pulls away. "I'm okay, Simone." She sits beside me on the bed. "But of course, I still miss him." She looks at our picture on my study table. "Especially in the mornings. That's when we usually sit down and talk to each other about a lot of things. Our moment of peace before the busy day ahead." She looks back at me. "And you? How are you?"
I hesitate a little. It's always so difficult for me to say what I really feel. I shake my head. "Not good," I say. "Better compared to last month...but still not good, Nonna. I miss him so much. I wish he'd stayed a little longer."
She smiles and shakes her head. "It's better this way, Simone. You would have gotten tired of him." She caresses my hair. "That way, you only have the recent good memories in your head to remember." I love you so much, Nonna. I never say it out loud but...I hope you feel it. "Cheer up, my darling." She lifts my chin up. "The show goes on." I weakly smile. "Anyway, if they ask you where I am, just say I have the flu...or something, okay?" I nod and roll my eyes. She gets up from the bed. "Have fun tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay," I say. She starts making her way to the door. But I...
"Nonna?" She looks back at me. "I saw Manuel yesterday," I say.
Her smile fades, her expression replaced with concern. She walks back towards me. "And? Where is he?"
I shake my head. "He doesn't want to be found, Nonna."
"And what about his mother?"
I shrug. "I don't know."
Nonna takes a deep breath. "I don't want to be angry at him, but I am." I don't respond. "I understand if he's depressed or that he misses Dante. But we all miss him and we're still here. His mother needs him-"
"But I don't think he knows."
"Even so, his mother still needs him," she says. "Even without the pregnancy." I don't respond again. She stares at me for a few seconds.
"Do you still love him?" she asks. I do...so much. No doubt about that. I love him with every bit of me. I nod.
She exhales. "Well, Simone. I'm not going to tell you how to feel or who to love. The world will already do that for you. Just know that I'm here, okay? Whenever it gets hard. I'm right here."
"Okay," I say. "Thank you, Nonna."
She walks towards the door.
"Oh and tomorrow." She turns around. "Tomorrow morning. I'll try to wake up early and join you. I'm not a philosopher but I can talk to you about science and math. Would that be boring?"
"I would love that," she says with a grin on her face. "I'm cooking tortellini for dinner. Sound good?" I nod. She walks out and closes the door behind her.
I look at my picture with dad again. He's going to be so annoyed when he meets Jacopo again. Imagine living your whole life not believing in an afterlife only to be welcomed there by your dead son.
