His Addiction - BoyXBoy

Chapter 47

Jameson

Embarrassment.

Something I rarely feel unless I'm on the school premises - in that case it tends to find me quite easily. I can't help but to feel it loathing through me as I continue to run towards an unknown destination far from school.

I hate the way I handled the situation Kyle put me in. How else am I meant to tell the boy I'm not ready? That I don't think I can even reciprocate those feelings at all in my current life situation?

I can't even begin to imagine how he's feeling. All those people stood around him as he tries to comprehend what shitty move I just pulled on him.

What caused me to flee so suddenly is still a mystery to me. I had no such intentions, even if I couldn't say the words back to him.

Kyle has done nothing but support me and grow as a person himself during this eventful school year. I can't believe my first thoughts were to run away from the situation simply because I was overwhelmed and embarrassed.

I had to face him either way, I live with the boy. I'd be seeing him after school finishes anyway. So why start something I don't know how to finish?

What would I even say to him when he asks why I ran? Why I didn't say the words back? I can't tell him I don't think I feel that yet, right? I don't know how he'd even react to it.

My mind is a blur. I don't even know where I'm going or what I'll do once I'm there. My body is in complete flight mode and it shows no signs of stopping now.

Returning home would be a risk as Kyle's mum wouldn't have even left for work yet. Not that I'd feel good in myself returning to a space where Kyle openly allowed me to live with him. God, what is wrong with me?

I'm basically already committed to Kyle so that idea in itself isn't what bothers me. I guess I just can't find it in me to lie to him when I know I don't feel what I assume to be 'love'.

I've never felt love in my short years on earth, let alone imagine or know what it feels like to be so infatuated with someone else. The fact that Kyle feels that way towards me is something I never imagined would happen to me.

I wish the ground could just swallow me up already. Just to rid of my fears of facing Kyle and having to have that god-awful conversation where I'll somehow have to explain why I did what I did. I feel stupid, unworthy and just...lost.

—

I wake up in a complete daze. My head hurts and my eyes struggle to focus on the unfamiliar surroundings around me.

Where am I?

In my best attempt to remember what happened before I fell into a slumber is useless as I come to the realisation how drained I actually feel. I haven't even been doing anything with my time off other than attempt to recover from the whole investigation which is now awaiting trial - Tyler included in that.

The room I'm in is eerily quiet as I stare at My surroundings blankly. The familiarity of the room leaves me baffled as I attempt so desperately to recall who's room this actually is.

It's fairly small with the double bed barely fitting in the compact area. A dresser sits at the foot of the bed facing where I sit up and stare at myself in the mirror which hangs directly above it.

My confusion is soon answered as I freeze at who walks through the bedroom door moments later.

"Nice to see you're well rested now."

" Isaac? But...you were at school? " I trial off as I bet my brain silently attempts to remember how I ended up here and how he even found me with how far I ran.

"Do you not remember?" he questions to which I shake my head slightly. " I followed you out of school seeing as no one else had any interest in doing so, and when you finally stopped you were basically on the verge of a panic attack. "

I remember the bitter comment which Isaac made back at the school when I was there this morning with Kyle. I grown at the thought of it, wondering how long Isaac has known Piper for and why the pair of them had an unanswered hatred towards me - or so it seems.

"And Kyle? How was he after I..."

"After you ran out on him Cinderella style?" How

"I don't need the reminder." I mumble with my head in my chest. I hear a chuckle on Issac's end as I relive the encounter of leaving Kyle stood there.

"What do you want me to say? He didn't find your antics romantic in any way." My eyes meet Isaac's. In that moment, I think something in him clicks as he realises the true guilt I feel for doing what I did.

"He looked hurt." Isaac finally sighs.

There it is. The confirmation my brain low-key already knew was true. It feels wrong feeling the guilt that continues to seethe through me. I had a choice in that moment, and saying the words back to him didn't have to be an option. Kyle would understand if I wasn't ready. I could've just hugged him, I could've just made it seem okay in front of half the goddamn school.

"Stop blaming yourself for one second." Isaac breaks the momentary silence with advice I certainly won't be taking. No offence to him, but I'm blaming no one but myself in this situation. "Do you love him too?"

" I...don't know." Never in my life did I think I'd be sitting in front of my first crush discussing if I'm in love with my current boyfriend or not. I

The fact I used to be so infatuated with Isaac just a couple of years ago baffles me. He used to co.poetry co some my thoughts and even thoughts that weren't related to him somehow ended up being about him. I ached after him at a time where I so desperately just wanted someone to care for me how I cared for them.

During our close friendship, Isaac had gotten into a number of short term relationships all whilst I watched from the side-lines. I watched him suffer sadness from several girls all whilst I wished I was them.

Those days are long gone now though, and here I am in the spot which he used to be in. It's his turn to give me some advice on my current situation, at least I hope it is. Otherwise, why else would he bring me back to his place?

"If you have to think that far into it, maybe you don't feel that way yet?" Isaac suggests, breaking the momentary silence once more.

Maybe he's right...maybe I don't feel love towards Kyle yet. I love the idea of him and being with him is something I already love, but being in love with him is something that still terrifies me.

It's something that my mind has been battling all day since hearing Kyle say the words, and the sick feeling in itself hasn't left my stomach since.

"I need to see him." I sigh, knowing I've been putting it off long enough already.

"Being honest never hurt anyone, Jameson. If he really loves you like he says he does, he'll understand."

—

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