empathy

THIRTY-THREE

Silence. A situation that can mean all the things in the world. 

A comforting silence when a couple sits together just enjoying each others' presence, a family eating dinner together, tired people laying next to each other. Loud silence when you listen to music in the background or when you watch a show quietly to avoid the deep silence. Deep silence, the type that consumes you, makes you feel unease and feels almost unreal. Tired silence, at the end of the day when you'd speak but are too worn out, people remaining silent after an exhausting fight. Awkward silence, a situation where neither party knows what to say, after a breakup, after speaking or hearing words that can't be unsaid but hit too close, when people simply can't stand each other, when people have fallen apart as friends, family or lovers.

Awkward silence, a tense, thick air wrapped around hanging heavily in the air and thoughts running wild on every possibility to escape the situation.

Awkward for Anastaisa because she doesn't know what to do, how to act. She is completely clueless and overwhelmed and she hates it with a passion. Awkward because no matter what she can't bring herself to talk or even look at Jasper. Awkward because unspoken words, necessities and feelings are spread around them but don't reach the other.

Awkward for Jasper because she took a step forward and it felt like he was a bystander. Awkward because he plays the role of a side character in his own life. Awkward because he knows exactly what is going on inside of her but doesn't know how to help her. 

Awkward because despite everything her arms are wrapped around his torso, her heart screaming to hold on tighter and her mind screaming to let loose. Awkward because of the close proximity reigning between the two of them. Awkward because a ride of ten minutes feels like forever. Awkward because they both want to say and do the same thing but neither trusts themselves enough to take the step. 

Jasper parks his motorcycle and Anastasia's arm let go of him immediately. His family is standing at their cars, watching them not as subtle as they may think. Though it's Rosalie, who surprises her. With Emmett's arms holding her tight against his chest and his chin resting on her head, she offers a small, barely noticeable and quickly disappearing, smile. She'd bet it's because of Antonina. But whatever.

"Just two periods," Jasper finally speaks up, noticing her mood swing from apathetic and bad to annoyed and worse in a matter of seconds. "Here," he turns as well as he can and hands her his keys. "Don't break her. Not even a scratch," he warns. "And what do you suppose I do with her?" she takes the keys. "Pick me up after school ends," Jasper points out. 

"Fine," Anastasia sighs, not excited by the idea of driving to school twice in one day and finally swings herself off his white Ducati 484. She sure is gorgeous. 

Jasper, too, swings himself off his bike but stays leaned against it, his eyes on her as she lights herself a cigarette. His hands sink into the pockets of his jacket, his eyes flying over to his brothers when Emmett asks him a stupid question only he'd be bold enough to speak out loud. He doesn't answer and turns his attention back to Anastasia. 

He still isn't fully himself again, the major still there but at least he's playing the subdued one for now. Though, Jasper could bet that changes the moment Anastasia leaves. Because frankly, at the moment she's the only thing keeping him calm. 

The major is furious for having been locked up that long and he is out for human blood, it's all he's ever known, all he's ever wanted and it makes him strong.

Jasper fears he will lose control soon because if he does, it will get real ugly and he doesn't want to do that to Anastasia. He can't do that to her. She wouldn't deserve this. Wouldn't deserve half of it. 

"I'm sorry," she eventually speaks up again, stomping on her finished cigarette. "For what?" he frowns. "Earlier. Kissing you," Anastasia elaborates. "Well, not you but still... you know what I mean," she adds. 

"Do you regret it?" he frowns, glad when he notices his family walking inside the building to give them some more privacy, Emmett being the one to pout about it. "I don't think so, no," she shakes her head. "It just doesn't seem fair to you. You know, you're basically keeping me alive and helping me however I need it and I..." she trails off. 

Ugh, when did she start to feel all those... feelings?

"You don't need to feel sorry about that. The major and I may be different people as such but we're still partially the same. We share certain feelings, wants and needs and... well, you," Jasper isn't sure how to explain it. Truth be told, he himself doesn't understand the relation between the Major and himself. It's like his soul was split into different parts. The more violent one making the major, the original one making himself and a third section belonging to her more than it belongs to himself.  

"How can you stand it?" Anastasia changes the subject, accepting his answer for now. "Stand what?" "All those feelings. You're an empath, right? That means you feel tons of feelings. How do you do it? I can barely stand my own."

Jasper's lips curl upwards and he holds his hand out for her. Taking it with caution, her eyes widen at the different and widely spread emotions crashing down on her. It's like a huge field built of chaos and turbulence. All sorts of emotions of different ranks and intensity are... well, she guesses she knows the true definition of 'overwhelming' now. 

His thumb rubs over the back of her hand and he brings it to his lips to breathe a kiss to it, his gift retrieving before reaching back out for her, calming her down as well as he can without interfering with the emotions of her own. 

"It's not without difficulties. But I suppose you get used to it, learn to blind them out," he replies. "It's easier when you're around. Your emotions are less loud, they're quiet, calm. Peaceful."

Anastasia opens her eyes again, yet she isn't sure when she closed them in the first place. 

"That felt awful. I'm sorry you have to bear that every day."

Jasper shakes his head with a slight chuckle and takes her other hand as well when she goes to reach for another cigarette. He once again brings her hands to his lips to breathe a kiss to them before he lets their intertwined hands fall between them. 

"What is it?" he questions when she stares at their hands for a moment, a pondering look on her face. Her head raises to look at him and she shakes her head. 

"You should buy some chapstick sometime," she points out. An amused grin spreads across his lips at that. "Preferable peach, or strawberry. Just not cherry, they're awful," she adds.

"Chapstick won't work on me, darlin'" Jasper points out. "Figured. But it'll make your lips taste great," she smirks at him, her head tilting to the side. It's a quirk she has found herself doing way too often. Especially when she grins or thinks. 

"Does that mean you plan on kissing me again?" he raises a brow, his own grin dancing on his lips. 

Taking a step towards him, she stands on her tippy toes and brings her lips close to his ears. Her hands slip out of it, one of them laying on his chest between the two of them and the other on his waist to stabilize herself. 

Balance isn't necessarily her thing. 

"I plan on making you beg for me to kiss you again."

Silence, a way to speak more words than one's mind can think of. 

Awkwardness, an enemy of those who overthink and an ally of those who act on impulse. 

Awkward silence, either the Highway to Hell or the Steps to heaven. Awkward silence, a weapon more powerful than most believe.