broken doll [teen wolf]

[chapter seventeen] confess it all to me

A/N: LISTEN TO LOVE IN THE DARK FOR THE FIRST PART OF THIS CHAPTER :)

✧∘* ೃ ⋆｡˚.

Aires pov...

"So, you kissed Lydia." I mumbled whilst watching the scenery out the jeep window pass, it wasn't a question but instead a statement.

"Yeah. Why, jealous?" Stiles shot back, making me snap my head to the side to look at him but before I could answer, his eyes narrowed on my neck. "Where did you get that mark?" He whispered in a deathly low murmur. 

"Aiden." I shot back blankly. "Why, jealous?"

With a sigh, he lightly shook his head before forcing his eyes back onto the road. "Ree Ree-"

"No, Stiles." I snapped.

"Yes, Aires. We have to talk about it at some point."

"Why? You know it won't change the outcome. If anything you're just setting yourself up for heartbreak."

"Why do you think that Ree?"

"Because I don't love you." 

It had to be said, I had to keep saying it, keep repeating it. I needed to believe it, he needed to believe it. The universe needed to believe it. 

"I don't, Stiles." I continued. "And we will never be together."

"See, you keep saying that but you're not giving me a reason." He shot back at me. 'You told me you love me and I don't know about you but the way you said it sure as hell didn't sound platonic so don't give me that crap. Oh and don't you dare jump out the jeep again."

My hands dropped onto my lap as I sunk deeper into my seat, preparing myself to finally be honest with him. "I have a problem." I blurted out through gritted teeth. "Many, and- I just got confused and the words slipped out, I didn't mean them because they aren't true-"

"Let me help you! We will do it together, okay? Let your problems be mine."

A frustrated sigh fell from my lips as I shook my head frantically. He wasn't getting it, wasn't listening. And it felt as if I was running out of air. 

"See, that's the thing Stiles, I don't want to fix any of them yet. Your not listening to me-"

"Why not?" 

"It's too late to try and fix them." It was too late for me, I was spilling too deep and too fast. "You deserve someone who loves you. Someone who isn't a mess. Someone who has their shit together. I am not her. I'm not that person. I don't love you!"

Even if a small, small, small  delusional part of me wanted to be with Stiles, I knew I couldn't be with him whilst I was still spiralling. I couldn't be with Stiles whilst I had no control of my magic, addicted to pills and alcohol, whilst I was off  y meds and self destructive. And I didn't love him.

I didn't love him.

I didn't love him.

I didn't love him...

It was a mantra I continued to tell myself. Him wanting to be with me should have motivated me, given me a reason to work on myself. But it did the opposite, it pushed me away even more. And that was all I needed to know I didn't love him. 

I was cursed. Everyone around me died or ended up in pain. If anything, the reasons why I couldn't be with Stiles gave me an excuse to let myself spiral even more.