Grimoire - Vol 1. Revelation of Rakshas

30 - She's Really Good With Pep Talks

...Oh god, she was serious about that!

"I—I can't...you know that!" I decided to drop the facade and be honest. The situation warranted it. I had no idea that bluffing would get her to overestimate my abilities! "I can't save them! I just said how I wasn't strong enough to even stand near that beast!"

The monster had reached the top of the building and drooled at the sight of its meal.

"Oh, well, then they die, I suppose," she said with a nonchalant shrug. As if none of this mattered to her.

As if this would not weigh on her conscience at all, keeping her awake at night.

But what about me? Would it keep me awake at night?

The pair of ghosts mustered up enough courage to finally move and try to escape. They disappeared from my view but from the way the monster rushed off to the side of the building and crawled into one of the lower floors, I guess they were trying to use the smaller space to run away from their predator.

Not that it helped a lot.

The Rakshas simply destroyed the pillars and walls that got in its wall.

"Don't you care?!" I grabbed Reizumi's shoulders, staring at her bright eyes that showed no emotions, "Isn't this your job? To protect the dead souls?"

"My job is to protect the Light Ruh with the best of my abilities and fighting Rakshas head-on is not one of them. We all have a role to play and, unfortunately for the pair upstairs, supporting my team is where my contribution to the mission ends. And since they're not here..." she shrugged, as if to say the situation was out of her control.

"But the spells—"

"Again, won't work."

"So what if those spells don't work, just try dammit! Try—"

"And why exactly do you care?" She asked.

Why do I care? What sort of question was that? How did it matter—

"You said it, right? They're already dead, doesn't really matter what happens to them...So, why do you want to save this one? And unlike the little girl from yesterday, these two are complete strangers to you. They literally mean nothing to you so why do you care if they're saved or not?"

"So what if I don't know them? They're right in front of us. You can't expect me to do nothing!"

"Why not? That's exactly what I expect from you!" she grabbed my collar and slammed me against the wall with just one hand, "You are doing nothing except ordering me to save them despite me saying I can't do it! What does it matter if they're in front of us or far away? What does it matter if they're someone close to you or a complete stranger? It doesn't change the fact that they'll still be in danger! Who are you to decide who gets to be saved and who doesn't? Not to mention, you are asking me to risk my life while you do what, stand there and feel better that you ordered someone else to do what you want to do? Do you want to save them? Do it yourself! Do it for all of them!"

"I can't—"

"You can't do it. I know," Reizumi said, pushing me further against the wall, "and what have you done to rectify that, huh? I gave you the opportunity to come with me, to let us help you gain control of that power of yours and what do you do? You drown yourself in self-pity and insecurity and tell us to fuck off and mind our own business. Well, there you have it, I'm minding my own damn business."

I looked away, at the side, at the pebbles that quaked with every step of the monster above.

Was she wrong? Were her words just false and full of lies?

No, she was right.

I did ask her to risk her life for someone else.

I did nothing to save them myself.

And I did say that it didn't matter whether or not you saved a soul that was dead already.

And I meant it too.

Atleast I think I did at that moment.

Afterall, I thought the exact thing before jumping to help Ritu. Maybe subconsciously, that is what I truly believed or have always believed.

That is before I made up my mind to save her, save Ritu. Before I overcame my fears.

But that wasn't enough.

I still failed. I still lost. And somewhere within me, I knew something else.

I knew that I would lose once again.

I mean, come on, to be responsible for someone's life? How do you expect a man who has failed at every turn to suddenly be okay with accepting such a big responsibility?

Rumblings and screaming noises came out from the building that had now somehow changed its shape. Multiple pillars were broken along with the walls and floors. Half of the building had now been broken down and took the appearance of an old abandoned building.

Yeah, who are we kidding? There's no way I would be able to win in there, against that...

Maybe the reason why I thought their deaths didn't matter was because....because that's what I needed, I suppose, to help me push my fears away.

To help me feel better about myself.

To pretend that their end had nothing to do with me. That it was inevitable and useless to run from it.

Afterall, death had already caught up to them once. What's the worst that could happen to them now?

It wasn't self-pity. It wasn't my insecurity.

Those words indicated that I downplayed myself but I didn't. You can't downplay what you don't have.

My powerlessness wasn't something I believed because of my insecurity. I knew I wasn't strong. I knew I can't be powerful. I knew that because I've tried them before and I've failed at it. Like a lot of things.

But...

But that image of...of relief, of that happiness shining on Ritu's face, came up within my mind.

Was their initial death really the worst that could happen to them?

Even as ghosts, the pair of mother and son held fear in their eyes, on their faces.

Fear for their end.

No, I can't change that. I can't.

"I...I'm sorry. You're right, I shouldn't ask of you to do that. I shouldn't...I should do it myself. But I can't and I hate that I'm too afraid to take your help, afraid that'll once again fail," I said to Reizumi, still looking away.

After a pause that seemed to have stretched for hours, she eased up her grip on me and let me stand on my own two feet before speaking in a calm tone, "I know you aren't strong. To be honest, I bet that I can beat you one-on-one right here, right now. And that's fine. But you have potential. Potential to be so much more than what you are right now."

She pressed her hand on my shoulder with gentle strength and after a long while I finally looked into her green eyes that were a lot softer than just moments ago.

"I know you care about them. It's visible in your eyes. The worry you feel for them, the burning desire to save them." She finished her fingers in my shirt pocket and pulled the yellow square pill out. "And I know you don't trust me. I know you're scared. But trust me now, for just this one moment...And let me show you the path towards the person you wish to be. The person I know you can be."