impossible | 𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙗𝙤𝙤

forty-five<3

bro i'm so sorry i haven't written for like a week and a half i've been in a real shitty state and i'm feeling a little better now but i'm sorry for not updating! enjoy this one<3

(continuing from last kinda)

tw: weed alc & passing out+self hate

almost everyone is playing beer pong.

i can feel the alcohol doing its work, im slowly feeling slightly dizzier and it's the best feeling ever.

i smile as i place down the empty cup that i just drank from. "okay. i need to go to the bathroom i'll be back!"

i tripped over my own feet a little as i walked down the hall and into the bathroom.

i finally reached the door and i stepped inside, and the first thing i was greeted with was the mirror.

i briefly stared into it, looking to each of my features, and yet, even though i'm tipsy and buzzed, and things are mildly spinning,

i still hate the way i look.

i avert my eyes quickly and let out a deep sigh before sitting down on the toilet.

i do my business, wash my hands and leave. that sure was a reality check. it just means that i need to drink more. smoke more. snort more. i don't fucking know. i'll just do whatever until i'm too shitfaced to even care what i look like.

i was too deep in thought to watch where i was walking and i crashed into someone's chest.

i look up, and see ranboo.

he looks high.

i smile at the sight of him, and then backtrack.

ranboo

looks high.

what the fuck?

i take a step back and look at him for a second, waiting to see what he's going to say.

"hi" i grin at him.

"haha- hey!" he smiles back widely.

i put my weight on my toes to make myself taller, and looked at his eyes.

he doesn't even look high.

he looks fucking stoned.

(a/n my favourite ranboo, stonedboo. mhm yup)

he went to walk past me but i put my hand in front, stopping him.

ranboo widened his eyes and slowly looked at me.

"are you high?" i grinned at him.

"what- me? high? no. why would i be high. not me. not ever." he laughed nervously and scratched the back of his neck.

"one of your pupils is the size of the earth, and the other can barely be seen."

"haha- what! that's crazy!" he closed his eyes.

i began laughing so hard that i had to use him as support so i wouldn't fall.

"whew-" i huffed as i finished laughing. "let's go smoke some weed, enderboy!"

i grabbed his arm and pulled him to the couch.

"sap? you got a joint?" i called.

"yeah- hold on-" nick walked away for a second then came back, a lit joint in hand. "here"

he handed it to me, and i immediately raised it to my lips and took a deep breath in.

i took it out my mouth and breathed out the smoke, then sat down next to ranboo.

i held my hand out , offering him it. "you don't have to, if you don't want to. not that you're not high already."

he rolled his eyes at me and took it.

he leant his head back against the sofa and took a long drag, longer than i expected, and then breathed it out.

"damn. okay." i raised my eyebrows and took the joint again.

timeskip

everybody was in the main room, dancing to music so loud that you could practically feel it going through your body.

i was facing towards ranboo, his hands were on my waist and my hands were around his neck, and we were both smiling like absolute fucking idiots.

everything was so perfect. the environment, the music, the dancing, the people.

almost so perfect that it felt impossible.

i grinned even wider, before placing a kiss on ranboos cheek.

he was high, not drunk, but high.
however i am both. honestly i'm probably gonna regret this in the morning. wait no, let me correct.

i will regret this in the morning.

but right now i have never ever felt fucking better.

"come with me!" i took his hand and walked into the kitchen, suddenly feeling dizzier than ever. "well shit."

i rubbed my head as i stumbled over to the counter, dragging my hand along it as support.

i finally reached the bottle of vodka, i picked it up and took a sip of it, straight.

"what the fu- athena don't- drink that-" he walked towards me and pulled it out of my grasp.

the fuck? that's mine.

"hey! give that back?" i spoke.

i didn't feel the burn of the straight vodka as it slipped down my throat, i didn't feel anything.

anything except my love for ranboo.

and that's just the way that i like it.

ranboo looks concerned now. "you've had enough."

"no, i haven't. i have to keep drinking."

i still feel like i'm not drunk enough, not high enough. i feel like if i look in the mirror i'll still hate myself, which means i need more of something.

"hey, you see any coke anywhere?" i look around.

"coke? yeah there- wait" he looked at me again, this time genuinely worried. "do you mean fucking cocaine?"

"yeah, paha" i laughed and gripped the counter, the world shaking and spinning. "god damn"

"are you serious?"

is he mad?

it gave me a reality check.

"i didn't mea- i didn't mean it like that-"

"no. no it's fine, i'm just gonna go to like sleep. or something." i brushed past him, barely able to put one foot in front of the other.

god, i just wanted to tell him the reason i'm so drunk and high is because of the fact i literally hate myself.

but he only just admitted to liking me i don't want him to immediately think i'm pathetic.

i'm seeing spots, black spots, white spots, grey spots, hell. even purple spots.

i grabbed hold of the wall that was nearest me, and i let my back hit it.

i slid down the wall, feeling myself slowly fading into unconsciousness. i tried to say ranboos name, but nothing came out of my mouth. 

"fuck" i whispered.

1087 words

this was an interesting depressing turn of events at the end awesome cute wtf idk why i wrote that anyway ily all so so so much take care bye bye ily!!