man up; trans peter parker

seventeen

another week had passed, and still peter's suit sat abandoned in his room, neatly folded on top of his desk. he would stare at it every few hours, as if it was taunting him without saying anything. he had taken his ninth glance in the last hour at it and stood up, standing in front of the desk and glaring down at it. he picked it up and held it tightly in his hands, enough strength to rip it if he really felt like it. he ended up tossing it down on the floor, the sleeves sprawled out, the bright red and blue teasing him. he missed it sure, but ever since that attack, that even tony still couldn't explain, there was no way he could bring himself to. that, and the public believed he was the one behind it, the robot spiders set people off in the wrong direction. news article after news article, spiderman's name was bashed back and forth for 'causing dangerous conditions and endangering the lives of new yorkers.'

"god, FUCK!" he screamed, punching a hole in the wall. in a fit of rage, he continued, throwing his fists in and out of the wall, producing more holes. his knuckles began to split and bleed, hot tears were streaming down his face, cheeks turning red as he let out all his frustrations that he'd been bottling up. between tony's pressure, the stresses of being spiderman and aunt may of course, he was mentally so far out of his league. after a solid ten minutes of screaming, punching and crying, he slid down to the floor against the wall, laying down in a heap. there was a soft rapping of knocks on the door and the handle jiggled.

"parker? you in there kid?" steve's voice was muffled by the door. peter rolled his eyes and groaned, not again, not this again.

"go away steve." peter angrily yelled back.

"wha-are you okay?"

"yeah, i'm fucking fine, just please can you go away?"

"are you serious, peter?" steve found himself growing frustrated with peter's response, but took a deep breath, something was clearly going on.

"yes, please can you just go?"

"i think we should talk, kid."

"oh my god, steve can you just, just, just fuck off?!"

there was silence, and peter sighed, curling in on himself. he felt badly talking to steve like that but there couldn't be anything that important that steve urgently needed him. what part of can you please just go away did captain america himself not understand? why couldn't anyone understand that? tony was consistently up his ass, spiderman this, avengers that, save the world whatever the hell. he was taking a break! what was so bad about that? this had been the third time this week steve wanted to 'talk' to peter while beating around the bush about what it was about. a few minutes had passed and there was another jiggle on the handle, and then the door swung open. steve and tony both practically stormed in, peter stood up abruptly and came face to face with tony, practically steaming with anger.

"i told both of you to fuck off, stop trying to fucking talk to me, i have nothing to say to you! so please take a fucking hint stark and just fuck off!" peter yelled in tony's face. tony's expression didn't change, further angering peter that he couldn't even show a bit of emotion, there was just nothing there.

"for fucks sake! do you think i wanted to be spiderman?! do you think i wanted this, this burden, that i have to deal with? i shouldn't be expected to save the world at seventeen, i shouldn't be expected to go out on patrol, i should be expected to just get my fucking homework done, and you can't give me so much as that? are you fucking kidding me? i get nothing from you, tony, nothing! you aren't there, and when you are, it's nothing but stress and worry, work this work that, FUCK OFF!"

peter shoved past him, pushing his shoulder into tony's and beggining to storm out of the room, until tony's voice stopped him.

"you can be done." stark said, peter turned around to look at him. "you don't have to do any of it. if that's what you really want."

peter just glared at him, scoffing and crossing his arms over his chest.

"oh yeah?" peter huffed.

"i'm certainly not going to force you, i think you'd be making a huge mistake, but who am i to tell you what to do? like you said peter, you get nothing from me, so why should i give you the satisfaction of caring that you're done being spiderman?"

"are you serious?"

"oh yeah, for sure, doesn't matter to me, oh but wait, not to mention the fact that in the weeks since you put your suit on the table, you haven't taken any of your meds, you've seen your friends maybe once or twice, and you never leave this room when you are here. hm you know, i'm starting to think maybe you're going into a depressive spiral?" tony crossed his arms to match peter's, emphasizing his point by picking up the full med bottle that were laying on the desk. peter dropped his shoulders and ran a hand through his hair. maybe spiderman was what was missing.

"so what, i hang up the suit, you don't care?" peter mumbled, brushing tears off his cheeks.

"that's right, and i don't bother you about it anymore. but only if that's what you really, really want."

peter thought for a moment, perhaps he was doubting his decision, maybe it was the words from tony that clearly had a deeper meaning than what they looked like. or maybe it was the fact that tony was right, there was a hole, and in that hole needed to be spiderman. but so what? he goes back out and becomes public enemy number one, fear instead of hope.

"i can't keep doing this alone. i want to be spiderman, i want to do the right thing and all but, i just can't do it alone. when that spotlight and pressure is on your back and your back alone it weighs a lot more. sure i've gotten to 'work' with oliver and i've fought alongside you, which is great and all you know being able to be apart of something thats bigger than spiderman himself," he paused, taking a deep breath, "but i can't go back to being just a solo act, i enjoy my time alone, but it's hard to be the hero when you can't have someone to consistently depend on, yknow?"

"peter," tony started, putting a firm hand on the teen's shoulder, "why do you think i founded the avengers? why do you think all these people, these, heroes are here with us? because i couldn't do it alone. i know the pressure, i know the feeling of the whole world being on your shoulders and your shoulders alone, i know what you're going through. i've been there. i know we've all been busy and hell, you're still a highschooler, but there's a bigger responsibility, a higher expectation that i have you at, because you're you. an amazing kid, the amazing spiderman, and god knows what sort of state this city would be in without you. without us. what's missing in all of this is you. not only does spiderman need you, the avengers need you. we can't do this without a young, genius, gen z, and sometimes carefree approach. you can take your anger, and your sadness and project it into what you do for others. that, is the one lesson i have learned from being ironman."

"but what if i can't do it, what if i can't live up to your expectations? if i fall, how can i be sure that there's a possibility of getting back up again?"

"there isn't a doubt in my mind that you won't live up to it. not a single smidge of doubt or confusion that tells me you can't do it, because we all know you can."

"i know it's cheesy, but do you promise?"

"i promise."

the suit still laid on the floor, peter picked it up and held it to his chest. he was sure, it was time to get back to it. it was time to swing the streets, offer himself to the avengers and most importantly, live up to the expectation of tony stark.

•••

im, this is a filler, im sorry this story i feel like is getting really shitty but oh well? im on lunch brb.