The Enchanted DVD Player (Ninjago Fanfiction)

Chapter 19.5 - Dysphoria

Kai's POV

On the days we didn't have training, I always stuff myself at breakfast time. I'll probably end up doing a small workout later, but at the moment, I'm downing my fifth waffle. 

The rest of the team is sprawled out across the living area and kitchen; Jay and Nya on the couch, Zane and Cole at the table, and y/n's reading a book while eating a pancake. It takes me a second to realize we're short a person. 

The door to the boys' room is open and the lights are out, but the lamp from the hallway illuminates the first few beds. I can see Lloyd lying on his side, facing the wall. He's curled up in a ball on top of his blankets, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. 

"Hey, green bean," I say, tapping the door softly. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah... I mean, it's your room too."

I walk over and lean against the post of the bunkbed. 

"Something wrong?"

"No."

"Then why're you still in bed?"

"Can't I enjoy my day off how I want to?"

"Fair enough. We've got pancakes and waffles in the kitchen; you want one?"

"Not hungry."

I sit on the edge of the mattress, keeping my distance, but I lean to the side to see his face. His eyes are a little puffy.

"You can talk to me, if you want. Bro to bro."

He lifts his head to look up at me, then flops back down.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take."

I laughs lightly. "Yeah, I know training can be hard. I hated it at first, too. But it'll get easier--"

"Not the training."

I watch as he pulls a pillow over his head, and presses both his hands into it. 

"Lloyd?"

"I don't mind the training, really. I like it. It's a distraction."

"Distraction? From what?"

"I don't know," he lies. "I just have this fear that I'll be stuck like this forever."

"You lost me."

He sighs, then shifted the pillow. I can see his eyes again, and they look even more dull than before. 

"I hate this body, Kai. It isn't mine."

With an exhale, I finally get it. "Aw, Lloyd."

I scoot closer to him. I put my hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off. I pull my arm back as he shrinks himself smaller. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"Do you want a hug?"

"No."

"Is there anything I can do?"

He shuts his eyes. 

"No."

I consider letting him be, but I'm not sure leaving him alone with his thoughts is the best idea right now. While I'll never experience what he's going through, I know it's beyond difficult. 

"Hey, I know it's hard," I say. "But if it makes you feel better, your body doesn't determine who you are."

"I know that. But that doesn't make this feeling go away."

"Is there something that does make it go away?"

"Haven't found it yet."

I nod, and glance around the room, looking for a way to cheer him up. My gaze lands on the hook behind the door, and I notice Lloyd's binder isn't hanging up. He washed it last night and put it up to dry, so if it isn't there... 

"Are you wearing your binder?"

"... Maybe."

"Oh, come on, Lloyd. Give yourself a break."

"I don't want to."

"It's not good for you to wear it so much."

"Think I care?"

"It's our rest day; please, just take it off."

He goes quiet. I can see him trembling. 

"I can't," he whispers, his voice cracking. 

"Yes, you can. You're a man with or without it. Plus, if you bruise your ribs, I'll have to take it easy on you tomorrow."

That gets his attention. Lloyd hates it when we hold back on him during training. We don't do it on purpose, but sometimes it's hard to forget he's just not a little kid anymore. 

Lloyd sits up with a sigh. "Fine. Turn away."

I face the opposite direction while he take off his sweater and struggles out of that thing. Once he has his hoodie back on, he gives me the okay, and I turn back to him. My heart breaks as I see his expression. He presses his back into the wall and curls his legs up to his chest again, hiding his face in his knees.

"I hate this," he whimpers. 

I push myself back to the wall so I can be beside him.

"You know, you're one of the strongest guys I've ever met," I say. 

"I know you're lying. Cole practically has super strength."

"I wasn't talking about physical strength, buddy. You've been through so much, and you've only been alive for, what, twelve years? But despite all the hard times, you're still on the right side of history. And that's a choice. A choice only the strongest of people can make."

He takes his face out of his knees and looks up at the mirror on the wall. 

"I feel like a fraud."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because... some days are good. And things are okay. But then there are days where I look at myself and it's like I'm not the person I say I am. Like I'm just... pretending."

"You are who you say you are. You're Lloyd. You're the green ninja, for f*ck's sake. You're the grandchild of the first Spinjitsu Master, and I know he couldn't be more proud of you."

"Or he'd be really disappointed. He was given a granddaughter, after all, and look at me now."

"No, he wasn't. He was given a grandson, but everyone got the labels wrong at first. And that's their fault, not yours."

He drops his chin to his knee again. 

"Can I get that hug now?" he whispers. 

"Sure thing, green bean."