Ghost Of You | cth

30. Talk Fast

~Paige

Love just might be the scariest thing I've ever had to face.

I have this horrible fear that I'll end up just like my mother and leave the foundation I've built with my partner.

Or even worse, end up like my father. An addict with issues who was blinded by the anger pent up inside of him.

Calum makes me happy and right now I feel happier than I've ever been. It's just that I'm so fucking scared that I'm going to ruin everything.

The two of us have built this beautiful relationship out of something that started from an innocent friendship. We've grown together and learned so much about what building trust for one another really means.

Then there's the other problem. Calum and I don't have forever and it sucks that he doesn't even know that. All of these moments we've had together will all be but a memory soon enough.

This is the exact reason why I'm sitting up in bed, panting like I just ran a marathon. My hand rests over my heart as I try to regain composure over my breathing.

Everything was fine when I fell asleep last night, safe in Calum's arms with my head resting comfortably on his chest. Oh, but was I wrong to think I'd finally get a good night's sleep.

I was used to having occasional nightmares. That's just what happens when you're constantly as stressed out as I am. You just learn to deal with them. But this one was different.

It was as if my brain had put me in Calum's shoes, tricking me into thinking he had died a tragic death right in front of my eyes. One minute we were walking down the street, and the next he was dead on the floor in my arms as I sobbed hysterically over him.

I take deep breaths through my nose, trying everything I can to stop the panic attack I can feel arising. I'm not the type of person to cry often. When I'm stressed I tend to lash out at people rather than let my tears free fall.

However, this is the first time in a while that a nightmare has made me feel as though I've reached my breaking point and at any moment I would let it happen.

To my dismay, Calum wakes up as soon as he hears my breathing getting louder. In the midst of me trying to calm myself down, my overthinking only made it worse.

"Paige?" He asks groggily due to just waking up. If it were easy, I would do my best to hide whatever I'm feeling right now, never wanting to worry him. It's just that it feels impossible at this moment, I'm in too deep to get a hold of myself now. "Paige, baby?" He asks again, this time seeming much more awake.

He sits up fully in the bed, pulling me to him. He overlooks my face trying to figure out what happened to make me react this way. My eyes no doubt look bloodshot from the pure fear I'm feeling right now. I hadn't even realized I'd been shaking until Calum wrapped his arms around me.

"What happened?" He asks, his voice cracking with concern. "You're shaking like crazy." I feel his hands rub up and down my arm doing nothing to soothe me, but it's something nonetheless.

I open my mouth to try and explain, but choke on my breath in the attempt. I'm working too hard at trying to blink away my tears that my eyes have begun to sting.

I need to let go. I just need to let it go.

My tears feel warm as they stream down my face. My shaking doesn't subside, but I feel an immense amount of relief from letting my emotions go.

"You can't leave me Calum. Please don't leave me." I mumble through my tears. My brain clouded with thoughts of what had happened in my nightmare.

"I'm not leaving you angel. I'm right here." I feel him press a long kiss to my temple, my eyes flutter shut at the soothing sensation. My eyelashes feel damp from the overflowing tears that won't seem to stop.